Yippee! A Day at Home!

Our days at home have been few and far between since....well, since forever. 

I was going to say "since the cruise" but looking back to before that I would have to say "since Christmas' but even last fall was busy so "since fall" but then I look back to the summer and all of the time spent on US 30 and in Wooster and I can't really remember when we had many days 'at home.' 

So today, because Blaine and Hilary agreed to dinner last night rather than tonight for her 34th birthday, we are at home all day today.

And as usual my To Do list is long.  And also as usual, not too many things are being crossed off, but the ones that are have been important and probably items that really aren't noticed.

• Birthday cards addressed and some of them mailed.  April and May are months where our family has many birthdays so I tried to stock up on cards yesterday at Target, addressed them, mailed a few, and stacked the others on top of the hutch to be mailed at the appropriate times.
• Calls made.  We need to order a dumpster.  Gary is on the phone now to do that.  We need to schedule our New Owner Orientation and he will call about that after the dumpster is ordered.
• Plants watered.  Always needed, usually forgotten.
• Ladybugs swept up.  After Gary sprayed last week, the population of ladybugs in the living has decreased significantly.  However, the remainders of the deceased specimens litter the window seat, the floor, the tops of the bookcases.
• Calendar caught up.  With so many events at the end of the school year, baseball season starting, and the multiple family birthdays, I needed to catch up exactly what was happening and where we needed to be and when.  After talking to Hilary this morning, we opted to not spend as many nights at their house and to set the alarm earlier here at home so we can sleep in our bed and shower in our own bathroom a few more nights. There now seems to be more 'at home' time in the month of April that I originally thought.
• Online Bible Study, Reading the Bible in 365, Journaling - all of these things take time and I rarely have time to really focus.  Just hit and miss.  So I took some time to read this morning.  I responded in the FB group I am part of for the OBS, I posted in the FB group for Rhonda and me.  I also caught up on the food journal that Karen S. and I are doing.  
• Shower and shampoo and ready for the day.  One of the first things I did was hop in the shower, wash and dry my hair, and be ready for whatever the day held.  I like to do that just in case I need to go someplace or someone happens to stop by (which is never because we are never home but you never know!).  So I am clean and I am wearing leggins today!  Comfy for sure.
• Catching up on emails.  I am worried about Karen W on Whidbey Island and I am trying to write more often.  My next task is a short (yeah, right) note to her.

Next up after lunch will be going upstairs to work on drawers or closets.  I really need to work on cleaning those out and I keep putting it off because I don't have enough time.  What I would rather do is start a new book or work on Amanda's table runner for her birthday, but I will force myself to climb the stairs and pull open the drawers of the dresser.  Trash bags need to go upstairs with me.  Maybe Landon and I can run into Goodwill on Saturday morning and take a donation!

I love days at home. Maybe if I were here all of the time and I never went anywhere and I didn't have anything to do I would dread each day.  You know, I was always afraid that when I retired, I would spend each day in my pajamas, watching tv, thinking that I needed to do things but always putting them off until the next day.  How far from the truth has that been?

But I am enjoying this day at home.  It is now 12:50 p.m.  I am hoping for the rest of the day to be just as smooth as the first half has been.

Happy Camper I am!

Shift and Praise

In Why Me?  Nicki focused on how we deal with things that bother us, that tend to bring us down, that we grumble about, that give a negative focus to our lives.

How can we get ourselves out of the doldrums and into more positive thinking?

Today's Proverbs 31 blog post was about his phrase:

“Because when our circumstances don’t change, we only have two choices: settle and pout, or shift and praise.”

I do like to sleep in my own bed. I do like to shower in my own bathroom.  That holds true no matter where we are, home, at one of the girls' houses, in Wooster, in a hotel, on vacation, on a cruise.  My own bed.  My own bathroom.

We volunteered, actually *I* volunteered to take Cooper to pre-school on Wednesdays.  I enjoy spending time with him, and now Lynnlee, and am glad we can help out when needed. 

But I also like to sleep in my own bed and shower in my own bathroom.

These last two weeks in April are full of days when we have been asked to help out one or both daughters.  Doctor's appointments.  Field trips.  Baseball games.  Away from home times for either academic competitions, baseball games, a trip to Nashville, a meeting in Indianapolis. Developmental pre-school evaluations.  Protrams.  It is easier to spend the night than to drive home late and back again early.

But I like to sleep in my own bed and shower in my own bathroom.

Ok...drifting into the grumbles......and I don't like that.

Why?

Because I love our daughters and sons-in-law and want to help them when we can.

Because I love our five grandchildren and enjoy time with them.

Because we are both retired and have the time to drive back and forth and spend time at their houses and give them peace of mind that their children are well-cared for.

When I think of others who are far away from their grandchildren, such as Todd and Vicki Chrzan or Greg and Pam Werner or the Bombaghettis in Knox...I feel so blessed that Hilary and Blaine live between Delphi and Rossville and Megan and Matt live just a little further outside of Frankfort.

When I think of how my parents never wanted to spend much time with Megan and Hilary and how their relationship suffered because of that, I know that I will do everything I can to  spend as much time as we can with Landon, Tessa, Cooper, Owen, and Lynnlee.

Yesterday and today were especially fun.  When we walked into Hilary's house on Tuesday, there were shouts of "MAMAW!  PAPAW!" and Tessa and Cooper running to throw their arms around us and give big hugs.  Then I heard "MAMAW!  MAMAW!" and arms up from Owen.  Melt my heart!

Last night and today Cooper was such a great Big Brother and so helpful with Lynnlee.  He even picked out his own clothes and dressed himself for pre-school while we were upstairs fixing lunch and dressing Lynnlee for the day. He was very thoughtful and quiet (as opposed to his yelling most of the time) and just fun to be with.

No. No grumbling.  In a few short weeks school will be out.  Next year Cooper will be attending all day pre-school at Clinton Prairie.  Tessa will be in kindergarten.  Landon will be in 3rd grade (YIKES!).  Only Owen and Lynnlee will be needing someone to be with them during the days when everyone is at school or at work.  

And already I am sad that that is happening.

So...Praise God that the kids are close enough for us to see frequently.

Praise God that they trust us to help with the kids when needed.

Praise God that we can spend the night with them on occasion and create even more memories each time we visit.

Praise God for our family!

The Other Story - Week 2 - Chapter 4

You know, there are always two sides to every story, and that is the focus of this chapter in Why Her?

But that is not the main take-away for me from this chapter.

Nope.  The take-aways from this chapter came in the last pages.

Here goes~~~

On page 72 I marked these passages:

*Psalm 23:6 - Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (that is how I memorized it, not how it is printed in the chapter)

*Each day is filled with new opportunities for beauty, creativity, and life.

*I don't have to let yesterday be my story for today.

*It's not always like it seems. But it also doesn't have to be like it seems.

As I sat and watched Lynnlee sleeping in her rock-n -play, I knew that each day is filled with new opportunities that I must cherish because they will fly by too quickly. I was feeling very weighted down by all of the babysitting and traveling back and forth that we need to do in the next two weeks - but I need to think positive about all of it! Time with the kids! We have a functioning car and money for gas! We have the time to do it! Our daughters know they can count on us and appreciate all we do for them. New opportunities to be with the little people I love so much!

Just because Mom didn't see any worth in my life doesn't mean that it was a worthless life. Far from it. 

And it is time for me to let all of that go, get rid of it, and as Nicki said in Chapter 4, "STOP IT!"

That is what I intend to do. Stop thinking about how I could never please Mom and be happy that God was using me to fulfill His plan for my life.

Let the blessings continue!

Maybe now.... Week 2 Chapter 3

I read Chapter 3 last night.  I needed to get a head start on the reading for this week since it will be a busy one, plus it just seemed like a good time to settle into the recliner and read the next chapters.

I was reading Nicki's commentary about Leah and Rachel. Each time Leah had a baby she thought that maybe, just maybe, Jacob would love her. Nicki's point is that our blessings are not given to us to gain the respect or the love of others. They are given to us for what He intends us to be, to make us who we are.

Skip to something that happened a couple of weeks ago. I received a letter from the attorney who is settling Mom's estate. Remember that?  I shared the words of his last paragraph about our cooperation and how he was sure Mom was proud of us. 

Now sometimes people who don't know the entire story of my life or remember how it was while I was growing up suggest that maybe Mom's actions and remarks and her treatment of us were things that deteriorated as she grew older (as sometimes happens with older people). I insist and my sister does to that she had ALWAYS been mean, critical, and self-centered.

Back to pages 45-46. Because I always try to find my own connection to what we are reading, it hit me immediately that I did have a similar situation to Leah's. Only it wasn't my husband I was always trying to please. It was always my mother.

I remember thinking that when I graduated from high school, 3rd in my class of 208 people, a transplant to southern Indiana from Ohio, that she would be proud of me and love me. No, she wasnt' and she didn't.

I thought that maybe when I graduated with my BS degree from Indiana State University that she would be proud of me. No, she came to my graduation and complained that she had to come, that she could have been doing something else with her time.

I thought that maybe when I got married, that she would be proud of me and stop telling everyone how plain and homely I was, that I would never find a husband, that my main goal in life was to be an old maid....but no. She wasn't happy for me, wouldn't help me plan my wedding, didn't shop with me for my wedding dress, and complained about how much money they had to spend (and Gary and I paid for most of our wedding ourselves). And Gary? He was just a farmer. (scoff scoff)

Maybe when I received my Masters degree from Purdue.....no. She didn't even acknowledge it. Cards from my grandmother, all of my aunts and uncles, gifts too---but not even a card from Mom and Dad. Not even a congratulations from her (Dad told me he was proud of me).

Same thing when the girls were born. She always found something wrong with each of them and did each time she saw them.

Same thing each and every time we did something to remodel and renovate our old farmhouse--new windows, new drywall, new carpet, paint everywhere several times, new bathroom, new roof, new siding, added a sunroom, built a patio and new sidewalk through the backyard to it, landscaping, painting the outbuildings (we still lived in a 'dump' as she reminded me the last time she was here which was four years ago for Megan's baby shower)

I finally stopped telling her anything that I thought she might be proud of me for---or love me for....because I knew she would either diminish it in some way, make fun of it, or toss it aside.

But just as NIcki has said, the purpose of my blessings (two degrees that I worked hard for, a wonderful marriage, two super daughters, a great house that we love, a career that I have had not just one but TWO retirements from) is not for her to be proud of me, but to make me the person that I am.

My daughters are a blessing to ME and I hope I have blessed them by being their mother. My students - hopefully I have been a blessing to, well, MOST of them! And the list goes on. I am here to be a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, an aunt,  a teacher, a friend, a quilter, a Christian, a good neighbor. Not to be someone that my mother is proud of. That was not my purpose. It would have been nice, but it is not the reason I am here.

Nicki's message in this chapter probably hit me harder than those in the first two.  "Maybe Now" is something that was such a big part of my life from the time I was in high school until a few years ago, even though I had stopped sharing things with Mom because I knew it didn't matter to her.

Truth #2:  See it like it really is.  And being me.  A wife.  A mother. A grandmother.  A sister.  A friend. A quilter. Most of all a child of God.  That is how it really is.  No more "Maybe now..."

And the door closed.....

Three houses came on the market this past week and we looked at one last night.

As usual there were things we liked and things we knew we would have to update.  In my mind I was making a list of pros and cons.  The pros were winning.

Last night I had trouble sleeping because thoughts kept popping into my mind....

The master bath was so small there was no place to store towels.  Where would we put the towels?

Where would we store our extra sheets?

If someone came to the house and entered by the front door, that person would have to walk through the kitchen to get to the living room.  There was no direct access to the living room from an entrance to the house.

I was troubled this morning.  Thinking.  Thinking. Thinking.  I didn't want to talk to Gary because I was afraid he would ask me about making an offer and I didn't know what to say.

Then it happened.

He had called Lynn about our taxes because we still had not heard anything from him and taxes are due next week.

The bomb dropped.  $30,000 owed. 

Why so much?  Because we had a great crop in 2016 which we sold in 2017 and the earnings were on our 2017 taxes.

Thud.

There went some of the cash that we would have spent to pay for the house---in cash.

So we talked about it.

Why did we want to move?  To be closer to the girls, to cut down on traveling time, to make it easier to go to Lafayette, to downsize some.

All of those are great reasons, but we still like where we live and our farm is paid for. We don't have debt, just monthly bills which we pay each month. No car payments.  No house payments.  No installments on credit cards.  Just monthly bills.

We re-evaluate.  What do we need in our house? 

Even though I love sleeping upstairs, the stairs are my knees. 

Nightly trips to the bathroom require up and down the stairs and by the time I do that, I am too awake to fall asleep immediately so I am restless. 

Those are the two biggest issues, plus I would like more counter space in the kitchen and more room in the dining room.

What to do? 

We have a plan.  In May we are blocking off a week (forewarning to both daughters and families) and staying home.  We are ordering a dumpster and cleaning out the garage and the downstairs bedroom. 

After that is finished, we will evaluate the bedroom and re-decorate with new paint, new carpet, new window treatment.

Then the bedrooms upstairs will be re-evaluated and made into guest rooms and a sewing room.

We will talk to Mike about possibly removing the tub and installing a walk in shower.

As Rebecca, our real estate agent, said last night, she didn't want us to 'settle' on a house.  She said there would be other houses open up on the market that might be a better fit for us.

I think that is true.  And even though we could have made that house work, there were things that I just didn't want to 'settle' for - like the master bathroom.  The closets in the bedrooms.  Having to walk through the kitchen to get to the living room.  To some that may have been no big deal, but those things would have been what I would be living with every day.

I was waiting for a sign.  One came.  I say "the door closed" but Gary said it was just a window.  There still is a house out there somewhere for us.  It just hasn't found us yet.

Why Her? Week 1 Day 2

On the calendar it is still Day 1, but you know....I have to work ahead since we won't be home tomorrow or Wednesday. If I fall behind now, I will be behind through the entire study.  I know how this works for me!

Chapter 2 - Honest Answers

"Every day  we look at someone else and find a reason for not liking something about ourselves."  page 22 

Oh my...does that fit me!  And it's not just one 'something.'  It turns into multiple things.  Each and every day!

"Honesty teaches us to stop fearing what we don't have so we can see what we do."  page 26

"Honesty about the source of our comparison issues can lead us toward being hopeful again. Admitting the situations we face each day that try to make us feel less-than is an important first step--recognizing them as soon as possible, calling them out before they take root and spiral into a lifestyle.  Being honest enough to call out comparison the moment it happens will help us regain our control of it." page 27 

"We often lose who we are while trying to become someone we aren't."  page 30

Oh my..how true is this?  I am not pretty.  I am not thin.  I am not outgoing and social. I may talk a lot, but I am not outgoing. I am scared to sit down at a table by myself at a baby shower because I am afraid no one will come to sit with me.  I am afraid to sit by myself at a baby shower with others because I am afraid they will ignore me.  I lose the good person that I am (at least who I think I am) to take on the personality of someone who people will be attracted to, at least to sit with at a baby shower.  I always feel like it will be, 'Oh where should we sit?  There is Beth at a table by herself, but let's sit here instead."  I sit there and try to become someone people will want to sit by, but I am not that person.   

"Honesty can lead us to quiet places where we seek to understand rather than merely react."  page 32

Now this makes sense.  At the baby shower most of the people there were related to each other or had ties due to social circumstances.  I knew most of the people, I had talked to most of them, but I have been 'out of the loop' with most of them because I changed jobs, we don't do anything with school anymore, our interactions with that group of 'friends' is limited now.  But that didn't mean that I couldn't initiate some conversation. Which is what I did.  And it worked out well.  I talked to several people during and after the shower. I caught up with some I hadn't seen for a while and visited with someone who knew my brother-in-law's sister and her husband.   It was all fine.  But I let the stress of 'where will I sit and who will I talk to' ruin the beginning of the afternoon.

Prompts and Answers:

1.  List any areas where you're sensing a 'must be nice' syndrome slipping in.
        This one is easy.  "Must be nice....to be able to retire and afford to buy another house and still have money to live on."

2.  Describe any part of your life right now that feels like an "Unhappily Ever After" situation
     Right now?  I don't feel like 'unhappily ever after' is an issue.  We are retired.  We have enough money to do what we want to do.  Our house is paid for.  We have no major debts.  My inheritance from Mom's estate is sizeable and will be in our account soon.  So unhappiness is not an issue.  Driving an hour each way to spend time with the kids and help out is not a hardship.  We can make this work.

3.  Write five things you're grateful for.
        1.  Gary
        2.  the girls and the guys and the kids
        3.  that the farm is paid for
        4.  that we have no enormous debt
        5.  that we have relatively good health
        6.  that God is faithful to us and will provide for our needs.  He will open the doors  when we are ready to walk through them.

4.  Write a prayer to God, asking Him to help you stay honest and aware of this comparison struggle.
        Dear Lord, please help me to recognize my strengths and the many blessings that you have bestowed upon me.  Help me to remember that I do have many special talents and that those are often different than those others possess.  Help me to appreciate them  and use them as you have intended.  When I feel intimidated or the low self-esteem begins to kick in, help me to remember that I am loved not only by you but by my husband and daughters and grandchildren.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

Wrestle with this:  Who was someone you compared yourself with as a child?

Easy one.  My sister and my cousin.

They were a year apart in age and closer to each other than they were to me.  Greta was cute and so was Sherry.  I was the plain and homely one. I was supposed to be in charge and more in control so they could play and I was to keep an eye on them to keep them out of trouble.  So if they did anything wrong, it was my fault. I always wished I could be the cute one, the one who could just have fun, and the one who wouldn't be blamed for everything.  It didn't help that for Thanksgiving Sherry was the first one to bring a boyfriend - and she was 5 years younger than I was.  It didn't help that she was the first one to be married ---and my sister was asked to be a bridesmaid. I wasn't.   But out of the three of us, I am the only one married to the first husband. ( and I do understand the reason for the divorces). I have many other blessings that I have been given or successes that I have worked for.  The comparison aspect was silly then. I know that now.  Why did I let it bother me so much?





 

Why Her? Week 1 - Day 1

I have to smile as I write the title above because Day 1 is going to be the week's worth of reading and comments.  Why?  Because tomorrow and Wednesday are full of children and babysitting.  Thursday I have a lunch date in Kokomo and a dinner date in Monticello.  That moves us to Friday and I will need to catch up on things around here that day with no time to focus on catching up on the OBS.  So here goes!

I watched the video for Week 1 this morning and really liked it.  I have studied a book by this same author before and enjoyed her.  She isn't my favorite writer, but I do enjoy her books and her personal commentaries. (and if she read those last few sentences, might she wonder "WHY HER?" since someone else is my favorite?  Maybe. 

Chapter 1 is titled 'When Plans Make Us' and while I haven't read the entire chapter yet, my own interpretation is already formed.  I have plans for the day, and today was no exception.  I wanted to purge clothes, work on straightening up the bedrooms, and have some bags ready to drop off at Goodwill tomorrow before my nails appointment.  That hasn't happened yet, and I doubt that it will before I go to bed tonight.  Other things got in the way of my purging exercises, and those plans went on the back burner.  S0 I am living the chapter today. Right now.  Of course I could be wrong, but.....

Truth #1 is this:  You Need To Be Honest

Ok...this is hard for me to write on paper.   Honest can be in my mind.  But writing it here is questionable.   

Notes from Chapter 1:

"We love to shout our successes but seldom show our secret sorrows." page 10

In measuring themselves by themselves and comparing themselves to themselves, they lack understanding.  - 2 Corinthians 10:12  (to me this verse is confusing. Isn't it?)

"Sometimes we make our plans, and sometimes we surrender to plans."  page 11

"There are struggles which go against the way God created us to be.  They keep us from thriving in our own skin.  These are our God-struggles." page 12

Rachel and Leah - two sisters who illustrate the comparison issue

The Bible is always relevant because it reveals deeply rooted truths that never expire. - page 14

"When anything other than God becomes our everything, disappointment is soon to follow."  page 18  Wow.  This one hit hard.

"Honesty is what gives us the chance to become hopeful that we can overcome this struggle. Becoming transparent about what causes us to compare ourselves to others the most will keep us from needing to compare ourselves to others at all. "  page 19

Question:  What is something comparison has convinced you to chase?
The only thing I can think of really is food.  I use food for comfort.  When I am upset, I will eat.  I will eat more.  I will keep eating.  I will eat out of control.  I shove food into my mouth.  I just eat.  Even though the struggle with food and weight gain and loss is real, I can't help stopping at DQ for a cone or grabbing a candy bar in the check out line and scarfing it down before I am out of the parking lot (as I did today).   Food.  That's it.  Food.

On to the next chapter and a new post! 


 

Why Her? - Start of a New One!

New book. New OBS.  Same FB group as last time.  New group with Rhonda.

I hope I can stick with this.

Why Her?  is going to be a challenge.  As I began reading last night, and even before when the new OBS was first presented, I felt like this study was perfect for me.

Why?  Because deep down inside, I always compare myself with everyone else.

I really do.

And most of the time I am never good enough.

I think, once again, that part of that comes from Mom.  Every time Greta or I went to visit a friend, she was full of questions when we came home about their houses, what their mothers cooked for us, what kind of cars they had, everything....and then there was a comparison.  "Oh, that isn't as nice as ours is." or "Well, what do you know?  La de da.  No wonder they think they are better than everyone else?"  Since we heard that so often, we just naturally assumed that this is what we did. Compare ourselves to others and make judgements.

It also happened in with me personally. "Well, why weren't YOU the one that was picked for Girls State instead of just being an alternate?  Is it because they had more money?  Is she more popular?"  Always a comparison.  

And there was more.  I didn't have a boyfriend when everyone else did.  I was shy.  I knew nothing about hair styles and make up and fashion and Mom didn't try at all to help me with any of that.  So I was floundering along on my own.  I remember her telling people that I didn't have a boyfriends because I was just not interested in boys, that I wanted to be a career girl and not get married, and that (low voice) I was just homely and probably wouldn't attract anyone anyway.   Well, that did it!  Talk about low self-esteem and then constantly comparing myself to everyone else who was prettier, dressed more nicely than I did, who knew how to use make up, whose hair looked so much better than mine, and who had possibilities for sharing their lives with someone as in marriage, who would have a nice career too, and the list went on. 

The list went on, and the effects were horrible.

I think Mom was disappointed in her predictions for me when I met Gary, we married, and we had children. Plus I had a great career and was happy. Not what she wanted for me.

Comparison was a part of me.  But the effects were always negative. Even in adult life, the comparisons were there.  Why wasn't I asked to be department head?  Why was someone else asked to play the organ for a wedding instead of me?  If a student mentioned enjoying something in another class, my mind immediately went to wondering what I could have done to elicit a similar remark about one of my classes?  If some of the Student Council members were talking about teachers or events, my mind immediately went to why not my class or something we did or what about me?  Do they ever say anything nice about me? 

I know that I crave kind words and compliments because I compare too much, because Mom always told me that everything was wrong with me, and that I just needed the affirmation that what I was doing was right. 

And as I look back at the title of this blog post, and the beginning of the narrative I wrote and how much I have poured out, I realize I really really need this study.  I do.

Start of a new one!  Focus!  Because I need it!

Accurate Memories?

I have been reading "The Almost Sisters" and, as always, I try to relate what I am reading to 'real life,' such as it is.

The chapter I read yesterday during my usual hour awake after my middle-of-the-night bathroom run made me think a little.

In that chapter Rachel was accusing Leia of basing the main character in her super-hero comic strip on her life.  She cited the similarities in the appearance of Violet to her own physical traits, the use of the name "Violet" after she had shared that she wanted to use that name if she ever had a daughter (so she named her daughter Lavender instead), and how some of the events in Violet's story mirrored those in Rachel's life.  

During the discussion it was mentioned that while Rachel called Leia's mother "Mom," Leia always called her step-father "Keith" because Rachel had bitten her when she called him "Dad" when they were children.  

In both cases neither 'sister' remembered the events in the same way.

This made me think not only about childhood memories, but about how we interpret daily interactions and events.

As Greta and I were cleaning out the house in Wooster, we came across many items, pictures, snippets of clothes or saved cards that triggered various memories.  Some of them one of us could picture vividly while the other had no recollection at all.  Living on 62 and moving to Mt. Vernon were two times when my memories were a little sharper than Greta's because I was 12 when we moved while she was just 8.

Shifting to other realms.....the classroom.  Often I have spoken to former students who might mention in the conversation something that happened or that was said during a class or in a student-teacher conference that I cannot recall at all.  For instance while we were on the cruise two weeks ago Mike mentioned something to Nick about the distress of having his brother date his English teacher and said that he must have been a challenge in the classroom. Actually the only thing I really remember about having Mike as an 8th grade student is that he constantly played with his ink pen, one of those that you pushed the top button and it clicked because of the spring inside.  One day he was repeatedly clicking, even after being told to stop, and the pen shot into the air and stuck in the ceiling.  The class erupted and Mike was in trouble.  He has no recollection of that instance.  None.

Which brings me to this.   All of us have outside influences, experiences, and emotions which affect not only our interpretations of events, conversations, and interactions but also what we remember of those.  I remember being so excited with the copy of the movie of Ordinary People that I could show my students in my novels class.  But I had forgotten that one of my students had lost his sister in a car accident the previous spring and watching the movie triggered so many emotions for him that he had to leave the room.  I never hear the title of the book or movie (not that it pops up too much now!) or hear the student's family name that I don't think about how insensitive I was to his memories as I planned that unit of study for the class.  He may (or may not---who knows) not ever hear my name either without thinking of how he felt, trapped in a classroom being forced to watch a movie about one's sibling dying and the after effects of emotions. 

I have also wondered about how I can recall in detail what I did yesterday, what foods I ate, conversations I had, and what we watched on television.  But I know that next month I will not remember too much of the day except that Cooper was here and we went to Whistle Stop for lunch, then to the bank to see Aunt Karen - if I remember that!

And since I am writing this at nearly 3:00 a.m. my mind is sufficiently tired, and I can try this thing called sleep once again............

 

Some Tears Shed

Today when we stopped at the mailbox after a full day of being with the kids and going to one of Tessa's gymnastic classes and having Chick-Fil-A for dinner, the last thing I expected to see was a fat envelope from the lawyer handling Mom's estate.

I waited until we woke up Cooper from the backseat and moved him and his suitcase, toybag, and packpack into the house to open the envelope.

In it were a letter from Bob, an accounting of the estate which would be submitted to the court, and an envelope for me to return the paper with my required signature.

Two things prompted the tears.

One was that the end is near for settling the estate, which means that the end is near for moving Mom out of our lives.  Maybe that sounds horrible, but the strain that she put on my life, Greta's life, and the lives of those around us for most of our adult lives will be over, once and for all.  There will be nothing hanging over our heads, no obligations to visit and be yelled at, no reminders of hurt feelings or sharp words or put downs or criticisms. No concern about the house and the care of it.  No running interference for a crashed truck or a subdivision neighbor who came out of nowhere to be friends with Mom or her giving money to a random guy who was selling pizzas to be delivered yet no pizza was ever seen.  No worries about her falling down the steps or driving willy-nilly on the streets of Wooster and having an accident, hurting someone (more than just running into a house, which she did with the truck).  No more concerns about her spending lots of money for groceries that she would never eat that would become spoiled food that she wouldn't let anyone throw out because it might be a little bitey but it was still good.  No all of that would be over and done.  And it made me sad.  Not because I wished we could still be berated and criticized and yelled at.  No.. but because that era was over.  My parents were both gone. Dead.  Buried. And their estate settled.

The other, and honestly the main reason I cried, was the paragraph at the end of Bob's letter.  He said this:

"I do want to thank you and Greta for all your cooperation and assistance throughout this estate proceeding.  I am involved in far too many estates where the family is not cooperative and it is such a pleasure dealing with families where that is not an issue.  I am sure your mother was very proud of both of you."

As I read that paragraph aloud to Gary first, then later on the phone to first Hilary and then Megan, I choked up on the last sentence.

Mom was never proud of us.  She always accused me of thinking I was better than everyone else, especially everyone in the family, because I had two degrees.  She mentioned often, most recently a year before she died, that she had to control me, that I fought her control, and that I had always been difficult. She reminded me the last time she was here at the house that my dad thought we lived in a dump. (I know that wasn't true because he loved coming here and was so excited about our new siding and the new sunroom and our landscaping and the renovations we had done over the years). She asked me what I had done wrong to make me leave West Central and go to Ivy Tech to teach.  She always found something wrong with each and every thing that I ever did - including marrying Gary  and the girls being picky eaters.  I know that Greta was chastised often also for many reasons - working at a church, for one. This isn't her post, so I won't share all of the things Mom had said to her to make her feel small, insignificant, and to lower her self-esteem.  Mom was good at that - lowering her daughters' self-esteem.  If she were proud of us, she never let us know it.

The other thing is that Bob thanked us for being so cooperative with him and with each other.  He mentioned that during one of our first meetings with him after Mom died.  Mom's mission for many years was to keep things stirred up between Greta and me.  She would tell me one thing, then tell Greta something else.  We have compared stories about a few events and found that she embellished her versions depending on whom she was speaking to and what she wanted us to hear. If she could keep us apart, not speaking to each other, and going only through her for news of each other, then she had the control over us.  And now Bob is thanking us for being so cooperative with him and with each other.

We pitched Mom's journals, most of them unread, but I did look at a few entries scattered through the years.  Many times when Mom was upset with us for one reason or another, such as being concerned about her falling down the steps, or taking a settlement on the crashed truck instead of letting her keep it, or if she thought we were stealing things out of the garage or the little barn, then she wrote that she was contacting her lawyer and preventing us from having any control over her whatsoever, having him change the locks, and taking us out of the will. She threatened Gary with taking him out of the will (and he wasn't even in it!).  When she was at Chapel Hill last spring, she always threatened Greta that she was going to call her lawyer and have him spring her from the nursing home and be sure that no one could keep her where she didn't want to be.  If she had really called Bob to do any of those things, either he had discounted her as a crazy old lady or he talked her out of it.  If she called him.  Which she probably didn't.  Empty threats.

And finally, she was so intent on no one getting any of HER money, none of which she would have had if Dad had not invested wisely and planned for their retirement. He also planned for her to receive benefits from the Navy after his death due to mesothelioma.  HER money was a result of HIS planning and HIS hard work.  She mentioned several times in the last few years of her life (and in the last months of entries in her journals) that she intended to spend as much of  her money as possible, mainly so we wouldn't get any of it. That didn't happen. And part of my tears were because Dad wanted us to receive what he had worked so hard for.  He did.

Tomorrow I will sign the paper and return it and soon the estate will be settled.

Bob - thank you for the last paragraph.  Even though I cried, even though I never felt like Mom was proud of either of us, I know that Dad was.  That is what counts.