Weeds! Weeds! Weeds!

And I was doing so well!

Since we were not in the field in April and the weather was decent, we spent more time outside cleaning up the yard and getting ready for spring.  For the first time ever the flowers beds were cleaned out, except for the one behind the garage, and they were ready for planting flowers in early May.

The two weeks in South Carolina took a block out of the planting time, but still Mothers Day weekend would be a good time to start the planting process.

That didn't happen.  Visiting in Ohio to see Mom in the hospital on the lest leg of our trip took a couple of days, then mowing at home and at the farm, plus a visit with the kids one day took a bite into flower planting time.  The next week was pre-school VBS, though, and Tessa and Cooper would be great help with flower planting.

That didn't happen either. Mom died on May 19, the funeral was May 23, and we didn't return home until the day before Memorial Day.  The flower beds were overrun once again with weeks, and the bed around the outhouse had so much of that nasty weedy sticky stuff-ugh!  I spent most of the after-dinner time on Monday pulling weeds and prepping the area for flower planting, which I hope will be on Wednesday.

So as I was thinking about these weeds and how abundant they are, I started to think about the negative thoughts that permeate our brains.  Pretty flower beds require some work, much tending.  Positive thoughts in our minds do too.  It is so easy to let one's thoughts be cluttered with weeds, with problems, with stuff that grabs onto the brainwaves and multiplies and just won't let go.  Those negative thoughts can multiply and snuff out good things, cause one to lose focus, and clutter the mind to the point of sleeplessness and more.  Just like weeds can overtake a cleaned out flower bed, negative thoughts or a focus on problems can snuff out sleep, peace of mind, and positive well-being.

Of course I am writing this at 3:00 a.m. Sitting in the recliner.  In the dark. In the living room.  Nights have been bothering me so much lately.  I wake up at 2 or 3 a.m. then my mind fills with fear, anxiety, bad thoughts, and sleep eludes me.

What are my weedy thoughts? Mostly about people dying.  Those night time phone calls that seek our presence at a death bed.  The fact that all four of our parents have died in the early morning hours.  Phone calls have been made early to Megan and Hilary and others in the family at the crack of dawn to tell them the news.  My mind always fills with worries  and concerns in the wee small hours of the night.

Weedy flower beds.  Weedy thoughts.  How can I focus on the good, count my blessings, and calm my mind so I can sleep?

It's Not Easy

In the last 14 months, Gary and I have lost three parents.  Our daughters have lost three grandparents.  Our grandchildren have lost three of their five great-grandparents,  We have grieved, we have planned funerals, we have stood at grave sites, and we have cried.  We pick up the pieces and move on.

But this time is different.

Am I sad? Yes.  But I am not sad because I will miss my mother.  I am sad because I missed having a mother for most of my life.  The reality is that now I never will have a mother that really loves me.  The hope for that death-bed confession of how she is sorry that she abused us verbally and physically over the years, that she really was proud of us even though she continually berated us as adults, that she really was proud of our accomplishments even though she never acknowledged them to us, that we were important to her, even though she maintained to the last days before her surgery that she hoped the valve replacement would make her feel better so she could enjoy her house and her things.  

Maybe she doesn't remember how she treated us over the years.  Maybe she doesn't remember the arguments, the screams, the yelling, the hitting, the put-downs, the attempts to ruin every good thing that happened to us or every happy occasion.  Maybe she was so used to making fun of us, insulting, finding fault, and reminding us of our struggles that she just couldn't see anything good in us.

Jim reminded me that I have learned from my mother. I have learned the kind of mother not to be.  He also reminded me that Agnes was a good role model for me, and I am so blessed that she was my mother-in-law.   Plus Greta and I agreed that we do have several good traits we inherited.  We both like to cook.  We enjoy music and flowers.  She passed on the love of reading to not only us but also to her granddaughters. She and Dad had a nice house and never went hungry because there were always meals on the table for all of us.  

But the things I really needed - love, support, votes of confidence, pride in my accomplishments and the family Gary and I created. None of that was there.  She may have told others that she was proud of us, but she never told us.  Just hearing "I am so proud of you because you worked hard and earned two college degrees" instead of "just because you have two college degrees doesn't mean anything.  You just think you are better than everyone else. You still have no common sense" would have made a world of difference to me. And the list grows longer.......

It's not easy. It is hard to lose a parent.  It is hard to say the final good-byes. But it is also hard to know that our lives, Greta's and mine, were so traumatic and she never acknowledged the harm that she did to us.  Maybe she was ill.  Maybe she just didn't care.  Maybe she was incapable of love.  Maybe she really didn't want us and made us suffer because of that. Maybe she wanted us to feel like we weren't successful and happy because she didn't have the opportunity to go to school and have a career that was rewarding. Maybe she wanted everyone to feel sorry for her and be a martyr for all of the bad treatment she supposedly suffered from her children. We never could determine what that bad treatment was that we inflicted on her but she was quick to blame us for everything that was wrong in her life. 

It's over.  It won't be easy.  It's time to heal and move on. 

Home again! Home again! Jiggity jog!

Yes, I know.  The last part of that phrase is usually Jiggity Jig, but this is what my Grandma Greta always said.  So be it!

We are home.  Gary commented when we were on the road between Star City and Pulaski that this was the longest we had ever been away from home since we were married 40 years ago.  He is right.  We left on Tuesday afternoon, May 2, and we returned on Monday evening, May 15.  We traveled through Indiana to Ohio (Cincinnati) into Kentucky and spent the first night.  Then we went on to Gatlinburg, Tennessee to search for a cabin for our New Year's Eve trip with Karen and Clay.

We left Tennessee to drive to Charleston where we spent four nights in the Patriots Point area.  Walking around town, enjoying a carriage ride on my birthday, checking out  a couple of restaurants and the market plus driving to see Angel Oak were highlights.   We also enjoyed the ferry ride and visiting Fort Sumpter, then the drive to Isle of Palms for dinner and to Sullivan's Island to see Fort Moultrie.  One of my favorite stops was at the Boone Plantation where we walked about the slave quarters and gardens, took a wagon ride around the grounds, and toured the house. We even had time to explore an outdoor shopping area which included a large Barnes and Noble store and a movie theatre where we watched Going in Style.  

The next stop was Myrtle Beach where we had made reservations at Ocean 22 resort with the points which were returned to us after Tree Tops burned in Gatlinburg before NYEve.  Our one bedroom condo was very nice except the closet was too small and the four small drawers were not large enough to warrant any type of unpacking.  Living out of suitcases for five days worked for us though.  We rented a cabana on the beach one day, visited both outlet malls, and walked to Pier 14 and back twice.  We also met Sara Horner for lunch Thursday. It was good to see her and hear about her plans to return to Indiana after working for Ground Zero for four years.  On Friday I met Trish, a friend from the DWLZ forum who lives at Calabash, N.C., just north of MB.  It was the first time we had met in person even though we have been 'friends' on Dotti's for several years.  We had a great time talking, just like we were old friends!

We dreaded Saturday with the long drive from MB to Wooster.  The map said 10 hours but with numerous 'potty break' and gas stops, a couple of missed turns, and a longer-than-anticipated lunch, it was more like 12 hours on the road.  That night was not easy for either of us since we had been used to a king sized bed and AC and were not in a double with no cool air at all.

Visiting Mom in the hospital was difficult.  It is hard to see her that ill with very little hope that she will improve.  It was good to see Greta and Kent.   

I'll share more later.  For now, at 12:31 a.m., it is time to go to bed!

 

A Beautiful Sunrise

Psalm 118:24English Standard Version (ESV)

24 This is the day that the Lord has made;
    let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Yesterday we arrived at Myrtle Beach, the third stop on this two-week journey of ours,  

Our condo faces the ocean, which of course is a necessity when one is vacationing at the beach, right?  Others often stay away from the ocean front and don't feel it is necessary to awaken and see the sunrise over the water or be able to slide the door to the balcony open and hear the waves coming into the shore.  But if we are at the beach, why not be AT the beach? So here we are.  

Last night we didn't close the curtain to the balcony nor the door to the bedroom so at 6:00 the room was flooded with light.  Even though Gary wanted to close it all and return to sleep, I wanted to enjoy these moments.  It's a little cool on the balcony, so I pulled the chair around to face the glass doors, am sitting with the blanket, and enjoying the view. I opted for inside since the neighbors are still talking on their balcony - lots of noise out there last night.

The verse from Pslams came to me this morning.  Every day is the beginning of a new adventure.  I used to tell my students when we were reading Longfellow's poems, specifically "The Tide Rises, the Tide Falls," that even if we weren't here to see it, the waves are still rolling into shore.  The sun still rises each morning.  The sand will hold footprints until the tide erases them.  The beauty of he ocean endures, day after day.

This is, indeed, the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad.

Putting It into Practice

I just finished the OBS with Proverbs 31. Our book was Listen, Love, Repeat by Karen Ehman.  Also Gary and I are in Charleston, South Carolina, on a two week long vacation which started as a quick trip and expanded into 14 days.

So how do these two relate to each other?  Part of our study was kindness toward others outside our family and circle of friends.  Since we left on Tuesday afternoon, I have seen no one except Gary so all of the people I have met, talked to, sat beside on a boat or tram--everyone has qualified for extra kindness.

I am not going to buy someone a cool drink or pick up a check for strangers or send flowers to the desk clerk in the hotel.  But I can be more friendly than I usually am.

Chatting with the ladies in front of us as we waited for the house tour at Boone Plantstion.

Discussing the wind and how difficult it was to drive on the interstate in Tennessee and North Carolina with the woman at the sink in the rest stop restroom.

Smiling at the little boy with his daddy in the elevator and telling him what cute pajamas he was wearing.

Chatting with the waitresses at both Longhorn and Cracker Barrel- better service for  jane bigger tips for them.

Now I don't think going into my entire history is necessary or that we need to become fast friends, but being pleasant, chatting a bit, smiling- all of that can make the time move a little faster and result in better feelings overall.

I'm trying.

My Journey Back - May 1

While today's devotion is more about a spiritual journey back, I want to focus on the journey back to my life.

The two are connected though.

I wrote earlier about being baptized in 2002.  My life changed greatly that day, for even though I have always been a believer, I was never one to read the Bible daily, to pray consistently, or to participate in any kind of Bible study group, even though I thought all of that sounded like a good idea.   Bible study has been fascinating to me.  At first I was thinking that it was because I was a teacher, an English teacher at that, but it was more.  I was always amazed, and still am, with people who can reference the Bible, quote scriptures, and know just where to find certain passages applicable to daily life.  I wanted to be like that---or close to it.

Several years ago I  noticed that Proverbs 31 was offering an online Bible study, and I though that would be just what I needed.  I can't even remember the book, but I do remember the study and how disjointed it was.  I think it was the first one, wasn't organized very well, and not planned so the execution of it was, well, less than good. Melissa, the leader, would start the week with an apology that she just had been busy or something in life had gotten in the way and the plan for the week just wasn't available yet.  If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that I like to be organized.  There have been a few times where I have walked into a classroom or started a week with the online materials not posted or ready, but those I can probably count on one hand.  

I continued off and on with several online studies through Proverbs 31, and the same thing happened.   Not on their end, but on mine.  Something would get in the way, usually grading or visits with the kids, and I wouldn't finish.  Or I would be going strong, then school would start.  Or there would be a vacation.  Or some type of disruption in the routine. 

It wasn't until just before I retired that I actually participated in an OBS and finished it.  Since then I have started---and finished---four, and I am working on #5.  My participation on the Proverbs 31 FB group was frustrating due to lack of participation and lack of leadership, so another woman from Texas and I decided to start our own private group.  This has grown to four of us who are studying and learning together.  We share. We read.  We discuss.  We ask questions.  We provide answers.  We support each other.  Most of all we are friends through Christ and in the process we are growing closer to God.

So that brings me to the prompt in today's devotion:  "Sometimes we just have to take the next step, even when it doesn't entirely make sense. What would the next step in your spiritual journey look like?  What's keeping you from taking that step? "

Rhonda and Debbie have suggested this, but even before they did, my sister came up with the idea and we talked about it when we went to the Beyond conference in August.  I would really like to lead a Bible study group.  Yes, I know that Rhonda, Debbie Sheri, and I are a group and we have been reading and studying together.  But I would like to expand on that.  They have suggested that I contact Proverbs 31 and volunteer to be a group leader on FB for one the studies.  I would like that.  But I would like to do more.  I like to write.  I like to share.  I like to listen to the views of others also.  This doesn't mean in an argument setting.  Just sharing the scriptures, our interpretations, responding to devotions, that type of thing. 

So...what would the next step look like?  I would be a Bible study leader, a writer of devotions, or do something online to draw more women to Christ and feel comfortable in their journey.

What's keeping you from taking that step?  Fear?  Not sure how to go about doing it?  Not sure how my offer would be received?  All of those?  

The best thing to do is pray about it, right?  Put it out there in front of my prayer requests and ask God to lead me in that direction, put some doors in front of me, and open them if that is the direction I need to go.