Counting Blessings

 I am worrying too much. I know...that doesn't seem to be an appropriate sentence with the title of this post, does it?  But I am hoping I can change my attitude for this foggy Monday morning by focusing on blessings instead of worrying.

You see, I wake up scared just about every morning.  It started when Gary was sick in the summer of 2019, when his toe was amputated, when he spent the summer with the wound vac and a visiting nurse three times  a week.  Then it was COVID and being scared that we would somehow get it, then when we both became sick, I was so scared that we were both dying.  After we recovered from that, there was still the fear, but after the vaccines, a little relief set in.  Next was the bloody legs, the loss of vision in one eye, the foot infection, the blood infection, the 'wearing of the infusion bag' and daily visits to the infusion center or the hospital.  So worried that I would lose Gary and be alone.  I was so scared for him and all that he was going through. I was so worried for me and how I would cope without him.

Now that he is better, that we are vaccinated, that we are relatively healthy, I am still worried.  Why?  Basically a fear of the unknown.  But what can I do about it?  Nothing.  

So this morning, while I am sitting in a dark living room, waiting for the day to begin, I plan to count my blessings and pray.

1.  a nice home.  It is roomy.  We have two bathrooms.  There is a large kitchen/dining room.  We have a garage.  There is a deck AND a front porch AND a patio plus the gazebo for sitting outside and enjoying the weather and scenery.  I have a sewing room.  There is a nice laundry room with a rod for hanging clothes to dry.  One of the bathrooms has a walk-in shower.  The bedrooms are nice, spacious enough for guests, and ready for overnight visitors at any time. We have new furniture, new paint on the walls, new carpet.   It is a nice home.

2.  The property.  I love living here.  There is a great yard for the kids to play in.  I love the barn and the fact that animals live in it.  I like the creek, the trees, the raspberry bushes, the decorative grasses at the corners, the birdhouses, the gazebo, the party barn.  I like having no close neighbors.  When I drive to one point in the lane, the view still takes my breath away.  I love it here.

3.  The girls and their families.  I think I get my love of family from my wonderful mother-in-law and father-in-law.  They were very family oriented and that was passed on to Gary and his siblings.  I love being closer to the girls.  I like seeing them frequently.  I enjoy hearing the voice on the other end of a phone call asking if the kiddos can stay here for an hour or so, or overnight while their folks have a date night, or if they can all come for dinner.  That is important to me.  After watching Mom not talk to her own brother for many years to the point of his not even notifying her of Grandma's death, after hearing Mom talk about Dad's siblings all the time, the closeness of family to me is refreshing and that came from Leo and Agnes.  I am so thankful that we live closer to Megan and Hilary.

4.  Money.  I always worry about money.  I remember worrying about not having enough money for my bills and for food when I first started teaching.  It took a while to build up my checking and savings account, and I was envisioning me eating soup each evening because I couldn't afford anything else. I remember not having money when I was in college and Rosemarie always inviting me to join her and Jan (her roommate) for Sunday dinner that her mother sent back with her because she knew I didn't have the money to buy anything for myself from Burger Chef across the street.  I like knowing that there is money in the bank.  I like being able to buy something that we need.  I like NOT being afraid to open the REMC bill and thinking about how I will pay it.  I am so thankful that we have a bank account, investments and land to sell at some point.

5.  Hobbies.  I love to read.  In fact I read three books while we were at The Dells in September.  I love to sew.  I like taking fabric, cutting and stitching, and making a quilt for someone in the family to enjoy.  I like spending time in the sewing room.  I like baking, especially cinnamon rolls. I like to think that God has blessed me with these talents and that I can use them to bless others.

6.  Gary.  What can I say about my wonderful husband, except that he IS wonderful and I love him so much.  I like to be with him.  I like to talk with him.  I enjoy our time together.  I am so thankful that God brought us together and that we have built a life together.

7.  The kiddos....each one of them has something special that we love about them.  We are so blessed to have each one of them in our family.  I love them all.  Each of them is my favorite for different reasons (even though Landon says HE is the overall favorite grandchild and that I just don't want to say it!)

8.  Faith - There was a rough time in my life where God was not the focus as He should have been.  I struggled.  I floundered.  I wasn't the best person I could be.  I am ashamed of the way I acted, how I treated other people, especially the girls, and I am so sorry.  But since we returned to the Christian Church in Francesville, since I started Proverbs 31 OBS, since I focus on morning devotions with Rhonda, since I have been reading and studying the Bible daily, my faith has grown. I am still a work in progress, but I am so thankful for the groundwork that was laid at the Westville Congregational Christian Church years ago, the camps at Quaker Canyon, the Quaker faith of my Grandma Greta, and the quiet faith of my dad. I already said I was a work in progress, but I am getting there!  God isn't finished with me yet!

When I started this post, I felt nervous and anxious.  The more I typed, the more relaxed I became.  

It is true.  When feeling anxious or worried, focus on prayer.  Focus on thanking God for your blessings.  It works every time!

When He Asks for Beef Stroganoff....

 ...he gets beef stroganoff.

The other day Landon said, "You know what sounds good, Mamaw?  Beef stroganoff."

Me:  What?  What kind of beef stroganoff?

Landon:  The kind that you make.  Remember?  You make it and we have it with noodles.  That kind."

Me: With ground beef or beef chunks? 

Landon:  Chunks.  And that white stuff on top.

Me:  I think you mean the ground beef stroganoff that I make.

Landon:  That's it.  Will you make it for me?

What can I say?  Guess what we had for dinner today?  A double batch of ground beef stroganoff.  

It wasn't with beef  chunks.  It was with ground beef.  It was the same recipe I have made for years.  

The only things missing were onions and mushrooms. I didn't want to watch Hilary and the rest of her family pick out either of those things and see the piles of onion pieces and mushrooms on the plates after everyone ate.

Dinner was a success.

Landon was happy.

And I marked on the recipe "Landon's favorite" and the date for future reference.

It's good to know that he has a favorite dish that Mamaw makes and one that he will always remember.

Makes my heart feel good!

Why Is It?

 That I feel so old.  

Something happened when I hit each milestone birthday.

When I was 40, I remember being at Mike and Angie's house outside of Madison, WI, and I just couldn't read anything.  I made an appt with the optometrist at home and found that I needed bifocals.  

When I was 50, I remember the Explore class greeting me with a wheelchair to sit in as I was teaching.  The AARP notices began appearing in the mailbox.  It was the first time I actually thought about that word retirement seriously.

At 55 retirement DID happen.  Leaving West Central was possible because I had hit the "Magic Number" of 85---33 years experience and being 55.  Even though my salary at Ivy Tech was less than I was making at WC, my retirement helped boost that final number.  Then when I discovered that any summer school pay was extra, I was making more than I did at WC.  

Turning 60 felt old.  Wendy and her office partner (she was there only one year and hated every minute of her time at Ivy Tech) decorated my office for me, but since classes had ended and we were officially 'on break,' no one really noticed. But I still felt old.

My 65th birthday was one to remember.  Ivy Tech put on a big gathering of people, many of whom were dressed in black gowns and mortarboards, and we all marched into a large room at the Kokomo Event Center for graduation.  What a way to celebrate!  One thing I miss about teaching at the college, and actually one thing I really loved about teaching at the college, was graduation.  Seeing so many students receiving their degrees and knowing that I was a part of it was just so gratifying.  I loved the music, marching in, standing as the faculty was recognized, listening and watching, then seeing the joy on the faces of the graduates and the happiness of the family members who attended.  Just so wonderful!  

Now 70.  Thud.  The girls tried to have a surprise party for me, but that didn't work well since it was at the same time as Gary's blood infection, his unexpected eye surgery, then his sudden hospitalization for nearly a week.  There was a card shower and a few surprises, but the cards are still on the dry sink and I haven't even looked at them again since that day.  I need to read each one and let the sentiments sink in because I know there were many friends and family who sent birthday wishes and that the girls worked hard to surprise me, but Gary's health issues had my mind elsewhere at the time.

But something else happened.  It seems like now I feel old.  I feel like I am a senior citizen.  Is it because of my knee?  It is because of COVID?  Is it because I feel so scared?  And why is that?  Because of Gary's health scares and COVID and so many people dying?  Mike Leman.  Lauri Erb.  Gary Foerman.  Two of Blaine's co-workers.  So many others being so sick and feeling the after-effects of this horrible disease.

 Maybe it is because of going to bed every night so tired, sleeping restlessly, then waking up scared.  

Maybe it is because I am afraid for our country since so many seem to be at odds with one another about so many issues. 

Maybe it is because I AM retired; therefore, I have more unstructured time to think and ponder and let my mind run wild.

Maybe it is reading about another classmate who had a heart attack.  Or one who died suddenly.  Or posted on FB about another great-grandchild.  

Maybe it is looking at a picture of a group who was celebrating their 50th class reunion and thinking that they all look so old---and realizing that I am older.

Maybe it is the guy at the nail salon who feels like he has to help me up out of the pedicure chair.

Maybe it is watching others try to help Gary with carrying items to the car or folding up his chair at a ball game because they think he is too old to do it himself.

Whatever it is...I don't like it.

But as Gary always says...it is better than the alternative!  Keep it in perspective!

Enjoy each day.  We aren't guaranteed tomorrow.