Why Her? - Start of a New One!

New book. New OBS.  Same FB group as last time.  New group with Rhonda.

I hope I can stick with this.

Why Her?  is going to be a challenge.  As I began reading last night, and even before when the new OBS was first presented, I felt like this study was perfect for me.

Why?  Because deep down inside, I always compare myself with everyone else.

I really do.

And most of the time I am never good enough.

I think, once again, that part of that comes from Mom.  Every time Greta or I went to visit a friend, she was full of questions when we came home about their houses, what their mothers cooked for us, what kind of cars they had, everything....and then there was a comparison.  "Oh, that isn't as nice as ours is." or "Well, what do you know?  La de da.  No wonder they think they are better than everyone else?"  Since we heard that so often, we just naturally assumed that this is what we did. Compare ourselves to others and make judgements.

It also happened in with me personally. "Well, why weren't YOU the one that was picked for Girls State instead of just being an alternate?  Is it because they had more money?  Is she more popular?"  Always a comparison.  

And there was more.  I didn't have a boyfriend when everyone else did.  I was shy.  I knew nothing about hair styles and make up and fashion and Mom didn't try at all to help me with any of that.  So I was floundering along on my own.  I remember her telling people that I didn't have a boyfriends because I was just not interested in boys, that I wanted to be a career girl and not get married, and that (low voice) I was just homely and probably wouldn't attract anyone anyway.   Well, that did it!  Talk about low self-esteem and then constantly comparing myself to everyone else who was prettier, dressed more nicely than I did, who knew how to use make up, whose hair looked so much better than mine, and who had possibilities for sharing their lives with someone as in marriage, who would have a nice career too, and the list went on. 

The list went on, and the effects were horrible.

I think Mom was disappointed in her predictions for me when I met Gary, we married, and we had children. Plus I had a great career and was happy. Not what she wanted for me.

Comparison was a part of me.  But the effects were always negative. Even in adult life, the comparisons were there.  Why wasn't I asked to be department head?  Why was someone else asked to play the organ for a wedding instead of me?  If a student mentioned enjoying something in another class, my mind immediately went to wondering what I could have done to elicit a similar remark about one of my classes?  If some of the Student Council members were talking about teachers or events, my mind immediately went to why not my class or something we did or what about me?  Do they ever say anything nice about me? 

I know that I crave kind words and compliments because I compare too much, because Mom always told me that everything was wrong with me, and that I just needed the affirmation that what I was doing was right. 

And as I look back at the title of this blog post, and the beginning of the narrative I wrote and how much I have poured out, I realize I really really need this study.  I do.

Start of a new one!  Focus!  Because I need it!