Prayer Journal #26

 "Father, help me to do today just one or two things I have been putting off.   In Jesus' name, Amen."

I had to smile when I read the Bible verse and the devotion for yesterday.  I have to admit that I read it a day late----not because I was putting it off but because it was such a busy day yesterday.

But there are so many things that I put off just because I don't like doing them.  As Joyce says, if we just DO them, then we can move on.  It usually isn't as bad as what we make it out to be in our minds, but we still just don't....want....to....do...it.  

I don't like paying bills.  I don't like calling people.  I don't like to make appointments.  I don't like to go to the doctor.  I don't like going to some events.  I don't like being around some people.  I don't like grocery shopping.  Wow...the list is getting big, isn't it?

 But I find that if I just DO those things, then for one, it isn't as bad as I am making it out to be in my mind, and for two, it's done and over with and I can move on.

I am a day late on the prayer, but I want to pull out at least a few items from my closet today and toss them into the donation bag.  It isn't just a matter of doing that, it is finally feeling like I can close the door on another chapter in my life that is gone forever---teaching.  I don't need some of those 'professional clothes' any more.  No need to keep them around!

I can do this!

Prayer Journal #25

 Father, strengthen me when I am persecuted because of my faith in You.  Help me to never give up or compromise in order to gain the favor of other people.  Thank You.  In Jesus name, Amen.

 

I don't feel persecuted by belief or my faith much anymore.  However, it does bother me when I see so many in news reports that do not have faith in the Lord; otherwise, they would not be doing what they do or saying the things that they say.

Stealing.  Killing.  Taking the Lord's name in vain.  Coveting material items.  Coveting other people's spouses.  Just rampant.  At least it is shown that way on the news.

Probably the biggest issue for me is my belief that abortion is wrong, except in cases where there are health issues, incest, or rape.  I fail to see how killing a fetus with a heartbeat is not murder.  I can't understand having an abortion from 6-9 months of pregnancy when quite often babies are born prematurely in the time span and survive.  How can an abortion of a baby with a heartbeat that could survive at 7 months be consider acceptable and not be considered murder?  I also think of many couples who have issues with infertility that would love to have one of those babies to raise as their own but aren't even considered as an alternative to an abortion.

I also struggle with firing people from their jobs, specifically those who are serving our country, because they are not vaccinated against COVID.  Some groups will fight for the right of a woman having an abortion, saying it is HER body and she should decide what happens to it and within it.  However, those same people will demand that others be injected with a vaccine that they may not wish to have coursing through their bodies, yet they cannot protest that it is 'my body, my decision' as women are supposed to be entitled to do.  

I may have strayed from the intent of my prayer for today, but I do feel the persecution is real in those two cases.

 

Prayer Journal #24

 "Father, I don't want to hold unforgiveness in my heart against anyone.  But I need your help in order to let go of the bitterness I feel because of the pain some people have caused me.  Help me stay away from bitterness at all times.  Thank you.  In Jesus' name.  Amen"

 

This prayer tied in with the devotion from Joyce Meyer's book Strength for Each Day that my friend Rhonda and I have been using for our daily readings this year.  Forgiveness is an issue with me because I tend to equate forgiveness with acceptance.  If I forgive someone for saying mean things to me, then I am telling them it was all right to do it and I accept that they had a reason to do it so I must have deserved it.    I am not sure why I feel that way.    Instead I want them to realize that they were wrong, that I should not have been belittled or mocked or whatever it was that the person did or said, and that they know it hurt me, so then I will forgive them.  

I have struggled for a long time with this concept of forgiveness, as you can tell.   Rhonda and I have discussed it at length.  I have read so much about it.  I have prayed about it.  I have talked to other people about it.  But I am still stuck.  

My main problem is that I am having trouble saying "I forgive you" to my mother.    Well, I can't say it TO her since she is dead, but I can think about saying it to her.  

She belittled me.  Not only when I was younger and living at home, but as an adult. 

I could never do anything right.  Not when I was living at home.  Not as a teacher.  Not as a wife and mother.  Not as a daughter.

She couldn't recognize my accomplishments.  All A's on my report card were not good enough.  Being 4th in my graduating class wasn't good enough.  Being awarded a full tuition scholarship wasn't recognized.  Graduating from Purdue with a master's degree wasn't even mentioned or acknowledged.  Any honors were glossed over.. West Central Teacher of the Year?  Semi-Finalist in the state?  No congratulations.   Department chair?  So what?  Being re-classified at the college as an assistant professor, then an associate professor?  Nothing.  Just a slam that I thought I was better than everyone else.  Receiving the award for Favorite Instructor at the Logansport campus?  Who cares?  

And my family?  Gary was just a farmer.   Megan was such a picky eater and had a bed-wetting problem.  Hilary?  I don't think she knew enough about her to even make a negative comment.

My grandmother wouldn't come to my house because it was so filthy dirty.  Dad always said he couldn't believe we lived in such a dump.   My sister wouldn't come to my house because she felt so cut off from civilization.  

And the list goes on.  That doesn't even include all of the physical abuse when I was living at home and the episode with the gun.  

Yes. I struggle to forgive.  And if I told her that I forgave her, she would be furious because she never did or said anything that needed forgiveness.  Why?  Because she was perfect.

As I am writing this and pouring out all of those things, I know that I haven't forgotten and probably won't.  But now I am reading a book that was recommended by my personal trainer.   The title is "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" and our discussion one day about devotions with Rhonda and our connection led to Megan making that recommendation for me. After reading the first section, I know that I grew up with a narcissistic mother.  As I read through the book, I know that there will be suggestions from the author to help me with the process of forgiveness.  Maybe between prayer and focusing on the suggestions I read, I can finally push this issue away from my mind and heart.  I hope so.  It has plagued me for so long and I am ready to let it go.  

Maybe being ready to let it go is half the issue too?