Why Is It?

 That I feel so old.  

Something happened when I hit each milestone birthday.

When I was 40, I remember being at Mike and Angie's house outside of Madison, WI, and I just couldn't read anything.  I made an appt with the optometrist at home and found that I needed bifocals.  

When I was 50, I remember the Explore class greeting me with a wheelchair to sit in as I was teaching.  The AARP notices began appearing in the mailbox.  It was the first time I actually thought about that word retirement seriously.

At 55 retirement DID happen.  Leaving West Central was possible because I had hit the "Magic Number" of 85---33 years experience and being 55.  Even though my salary at Ivy Tech was less than I was making at WC, my retirement helped boost that final number.  Then when I discovered that any summer school pay was extra, I was making more than I did at WC.  

Turning 60 felt old.  Wendy and her office partner (she was there only one year and hated every minute of her time at Ivy Tech) decorated my office for me, but since classes had ended and we were officially 'on break,' no one really noticed. But I still felt old.

My 65th birthday was one to remember.  Ivy Tech put on a big gathering of people, many of whom were dressed in black gowns and mortarboards, and we all marched into a large room at the Kokomo Event Center for graduation.  What a way to celebrate!  One thing I miss about teaching at the college, and actually one thing I really loved about teaching at the college, was graduation.  Seeing so many students receiving their degrees and knowing that I was a part of it was just so gratifying.  I loved the music, marching in, standing as the faculty was recognized, listening and watching, then seeing the joy on the faces of the graduates and the happiness of the family members who attended.  Just so wonderful!  

Now 70.  Thud.  The girls tried to have a surprise party for me, but that didn't work well since it was at the same time as Gary's blood infection, his unexpected eye surgery, then his sudden hospitalization for nearly a week.  There was a card shower and a few surprises, but the cards are still on the dry sink and I haven't even looked at them again since that day.  I need to read each one and let the sentiments sink in because I know there were many friends and family who sent birthday wishes and that the girls worked hard to surprise me, but Gary's health issues had my mind elsewhere at the time.

But something else happened.  It seems like now I feel old.  I feel like I am a senior citizen.  Is it because of my knee?  It is because of COVID?  Is it because I feel so scared?  And why is that?  Because of Gary's health scares and COVID and so many people dying?  Mike Leman.  Lauri Erb.  Gary Foerman.  Two of Blaine's co-workers.  So many others being so sick and feeling the after-effects of this horrible disease.

 Maybe it is because of going to bed every night so tired, sleeping restlessly, then waking up scared.  

Maybe it is because I am afraid for our country since so many seem to be at odds with one another about so many issues. 

Maybe it is because I AM retired; therefore, I have more unstructured time to think and ponder and let my mind run wild.

Maybe it is reading about another classmate who had a heart attack.  Or one who died suddenly.  Or posted on FB about another great-grandchild.  

Maybe it is looking at a picture of a group who was celebrating their 50th class reunion and thinking that they all look so old---and realizing that I am older.

Maybe it is the guy at the nail salon who feels like he has to help me up out of the pedicure chair.

Maybe it is watching others try to help Gary with carrying items to the car or folding up his chair at a ball game because they think he is too old to do it himself.

Whatever it is...I don't like it.

But as Gary always says...it is better than the alternative!  Keep it in perspective!

Enjoy each day.  We aren't guaranteed tomorrow.