Shopping

The last couple of days have been weird for me.  Uneasiness.  Sadness.  Fear.  More uneasiness.  Prone to tears (Yes.  I know.  I cry ALL the time.)

Why is this?

Just stuff.

I am tired of the virus.

I am tired of debates about masks, hand sanitizing, social distancing, no travel.

I have to think now about 'Did I use hand sanitizer after I came out of Payless?  Did I use it again after we left Texas Roadhouse?  Did I need to use it when I came home---oh wait!  I went to the bathroom and washed my hands after so I am good.'  Is using hand sanitizer becoming a way of life so I use it and don't even think about it?

And masks.  I am not making eye contact with anyone in stores now.  I don't want to look at anyone's eyes that look haunted above their masks.  I look at the floor or at the shelves or straight ahead.   I realize I used to smile at everyone I saw, but now it doesn't matter because no one can see me.

There isn't any chit chat anymore with the gal who checks me out or anyone in the aisles.  Why say "Why is there no tapioca now?  Is everyone baking pies or making tapioca pudding?"  and laugh.  It's too hard to say it  to be heard from behind the mask and the other person's response, if they even make one, is garbled.  Going through the checkout line is quick and easy and non-conversational. 

But yesterday was the most frustrating grocery stop yet.  The mask was hot.  Everyone seemed to be trying to stay out of others' ways.  It was hard to tell who was shopping and who was stocking shelves and who was shopping for other people.  There was a lot of dodging of carts, trying to reach but not be in someone's path,  keeping distances and trying to be as quick as possible.

Shopping with Gary was frustrating too.  He was manipulating the cart, trying to stay out of other's ways.  He couldn't hear me talking, then I had to raise my voice from behind the mask and I felt like I was yelling at him.  I couldn't understand him either.  I felt like a couple of old people who were tottering up and down the aisles and couldn't communicate.

My list for shopping yesterday had 8 items on it.  I wanted to go to Target, but we went to Payless first since pop was on sale and Gary drinks a lot of it.  We walked out with over $200 worth of groceries and other items.

Why?  Because it was easier to buy a new spin toothbrush, shampoo, fish oil tablets, and toilet paper at Payless than make another stop at Target.

Because it seemed wise to stock up on some things now rather than make another trip later in the week for items we might need.

Because we hadn't been grocery shopping for a few weeks and were out of a few things that hadn't made it on the list.

So we are set for a while.  Except for milk, eggs, bread, fresh produce.  Those types of things.

I am tired of the virus.

I am tired of being overly cautious.

I am tired of listening to reports of lower number of cases, followed by more government mandated shutdowns.

I am tired of not having the freedom to go places we might want to go and see people we might want to see and being scared of what might happen if we do.

So the shopping trip was an adventure.  It was stressful.  It affected my mood the entire day.  

I just want things to return to the way they were.