New Week of OBS

I haven't really delved into the new week of Dangerous Prayers yet.  But I have a feeling that the past few days have been preparing me for the next focus.

Our Bible verse is this: 

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.    Psalm 139:23-24

Something that stood out to me in the reading last week was this:   "See if there is any offensive way in me."  I don't like to think that I offend people and I try hard not to.  Really I do.  But evidently I am doing that or at least I have some traits that are sending off the wrong messages to the people I care about.

Ok...so I am putting this out there.

I know that some of the things I think or the ways that I feel are not the same as others.  I know that.  I accept that.  But I don't like to be mocked or made fun of because I feel the way that I do.

Maybe the unsettling feeling I get when I am mocked goes back to the way my mother treated me. In fact, I am 99% sure that is the source of my spiraling downward.  I can still see her sneering at me and hear the scorn and mockery in her voice.  And it wasn't just something that she did when I was young.  She did it until she died.  Maybe not still to me in her final days, but she mocked Greta constantly.

So it hurts. It makes me feel sad. It makes me doubt what I do, the way I think, the way others see me.  It makes me sad that I am the butt of other's jokes or an easy target to make fun of.  I don't like it when it happens to other people; in fact it makes me hurt even more when it does.

Over the last few days I have felt that mockery.  Being laughed at.  I don't see it as being teased, because it certainly doesn't feel like teasing to me.  Or when similar comments are made about or to others.  So my self-esteem has been plummeting.  What I thought was a good thing to do was dashed into something that probably won't happen again---at least it won't be initiated by me.

I also am nervous about the pandemic and it touching our lives.  I know...FB is a dangerous thing at times.  News can be distorted and spreads quickly through social media.  But when I hear of so many people contracting this disease, when I hear numerous reports of how quickly it spreads and how one might pick up germs by not using good hygiene or protective measures, then I too want to ensure that we remain healthy.  I don't like to be sick.  I don't want Gary to be sick---or the girls---or the kids---or anyone that we care about and love. So I am taking preventive measures.  We have been staying home as much as we can.   We leave only for groceries or medicine or to pick up take out food.  We did drive to Burnettsville for fabric and to drop off  Lynnlee's quilt to be quilted too but I wore my mask into the shop and we used hand sanitizer when I came out.  I want the freedom to do what we want when we want again.  And I feel the only way to accomplish that is to be careful and stay at home and sanitize as much as we can to protect ourselves.  And I don't want to be laughed at because I feel that way.

Offensive ways in me?  Being overly cautious?  Maybe.  But don't laugh at me because I am.  I just don't want any of us to be sick.  Trying to do some things to increase communication during this time of self-isolation?  Work with me, but don't laugh at me for trying to do so.

One benefit of being at home so much now is working on my sewing projects.  Those take time and concentration.  In fact yesterday I tried three different times to work on the borders on Tessa's quilt.  How much did I accomplish?  I cut one strip of border off of another longer strip, pieced it onto yet another strip and was ready to press the seam and sew it onto the quilt top----when Gary called me upstairs because Hilary, Blaine, and the kids were outside.  Yes, I want to see them, but I also was in the middle of trying to add that strip to the quilt top.  So it is still on the floor.  Many times when they come, I am in the middle of a project or working on something. Rarely am I just sitting in the living room, watching tv like Gary does.  Evidently that is a flaw of mine because I don't drop what I am doing and go outside immediately to visit. 

Finally the lowest point is being compared to my mother.  That happened yesterday too.  It went something like this...."Remember when your mother....." and ended with "Well, think about it." and the implication being that I was doing the same thing as Mom did.  We didn't like it when Mom did it and now I am doing the same thing.  Is that the 'something offensive in me' that needs to be changed?  Probably.

What I do know is this.  I need to pray about the issues and ask for God's guidance in how I deal with them  I also know that I am not initiating things anymore.  I need to respond more quickly, as in drop what I am doing, to be sure that the kids know I care about them.  I also need to sit on the couch and the loveseat in the living room more, even though my recliner is more comfortable and I can see the tv  better from it.

Plus I need to keep my thoughts to myself.  If I don't tell anyone how I feel about things, then I won't open myself up for criticism and mockery.

The new week of the OBS is focused on "Break Me" and I think I am ready for it.  Why?  Because that process has already started.