Cautious? Scared? Frantic?

I just don't know.

Part of me has been scared so much about this pandemic.  I want to be healthy.  I want Gary to be healthy.  We both could be considered in the 'at risk' category because of our ages and because of health issues.  He is diabetic and I have aFib.  I don't think I am as much at risk as he is, but I do know I want neither of us to spike a fever and not be able to breathe.  One thing this self-quarantine has done is to eliminate the coughs that we did have and help us get rid of the slight colds. I'm not sure if it is the self-quarantine or the super duper sanitizing that we are doing or a combination of both, but we are fairly healthy right now and it feels good.
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Part of me is cautious, maybe too much so.  We limit who we see.  We have cancelled plans for Easter dinner.  We are super careful when we leave the house, taking the hand sanitizer with us and using the Purell wipes we have in the car to wipe everything down that we touch or that touches us.  After the kids leave the house, I wipe off all of the door handles, the chairs where they may have sat at the dining room table, the bathroom sink and toilet plus the light switches and door handles plus the toilet flusher handle.  When Hilary and the kids came over the other night for dinner, we ate on the deck and kept our distance for the most part.  The pizza, sub, and breadsticks were delivered to the table.  After everyone left, out came the Clorox wipes to take care of any germs left on the handles of the chairs, the table top, and door handles once again.  Is that being too cautious?  I just don't know.  But I am not willing at this point NOT to do it.

Frantic?  Maybe.  The plan for this morning was to drive to Burnettsville to the quilt shop.  The quilt top for Tessa's bed was in the bag.  Betty was going to come out to the sidewalk and pick up the bad and I was going to stay in the car.  She would take the bag in the shop, match the fabric to pieces of fabric there, cut off the needed yardage, charge it to my credit card, and return the bag to me.  I wouldn't go in the shop.  We wouldn't be close to each other.  I could wipe off the bag when she returned it to me.  But we didn't go.  Why?  Gary had a dream that someone official came to us in the car in front of the shop and asked why we were there.  Buying fabric to finish a quilt wasn't considered an essential trip so we were arrested.  I know.  It was just a dream, and Gary is the first one to calm me down after I have a nightmare or a troubling dream by saying "It's not real...it's just a dream. Go back to sleep."  But this stuck with me, and the more I thought about it, it seemed like a better decision NOT to go to Burnesttsville and risk picking up some germs. So we didn't go.  I sent a note to Betty and she was understanding.  But I am wondering if I am not being TOO cautious about staying away from everyone.  We did go to Save-A-Lot yesterday.  We picked up groceries at Payless and medicine at Meijer on Thursday evening.  We have ordered take out or delivery from several local places.  Is that taking more or less of a risk than driving to Burnettsville and letting Betty select and cut fabric for me so I could finish the quilt top for Tessa's bed? 

Part of me enjoys the quiet time.  The solitude.  The knowledge that the time of the day is ours.

Part of me misses the ability to just run into town to pick up something that we might need.  Or do we really need it?  I know that we are saving lots of money on gas and probably on unnecessary expenses.  We are eating more at home instead of eating out for various meals. 

Part of me likes working out at home via Zoom instead of going to the Fitness Center.  I like getting up later and adapting the exercises to suit me. If I can't bend my knee for one set, I just don't instead of Megan trying to help me bend anyway.  Maybe that is cheating a bit, but it works for me.  I do miss the interaction with other people though.  I wrote about the need for socialization and friends, and I do miss conversations.

There are many projects I have been working on also.  Deep cleaning.  Sewing.  Puzzles.  Reading.  Watching series on Netflix.  Working outside a little more.  I wouldn't have time for those if we were running around to various places.

Maybe my feelings this morning were just a little on the frantic side.  Maybe I am still too scared.  Maybe I am too cautious.  But at this point in our lives, I don't feel like we can take chances and expose ourselves to things we shouldn't and that might harm us.

For a few more weeks....we hope.  I'll try to focus on the 'cautious' instead of the other two options.