Surely goodness and mercy shall follow you....

I have been deep in the OBS from Proverbs 31 on Jennifer Rothschild's book Psalm 23.  I love the study for several reason:  Jennifer is a great writer and an even better speaker.  This Psalm is one that I memorized years ago.  I am not sure whether it was at the Westville Congregational Christian Church, because I do remember memorization there, or if it were at the Mt. Vernon Presbyterian Church, because I remember sitting in a classroom there with some memory work to practice.  Nonetheless, I have amazed myself (and Nikki, our FB group leader) because I usually struggle with memorization and I have been whipping off these verses like nobody's business! Also I love digging into scripture that will clarify or support the study, and Jennifer includes so many other verses in each day's activities that I need to keep my Bible close.

Today's lesson focused on those three words: 'goodness,' 'mercy,' and 'follow.'  I was ready for this, and I settled into a chair on the deck with a bottle of Diet Dew on the little table and my Bible, the study book, a pen, and my phone (so I could look up things NOT in the Bible) close by.

Then boom.  It hit me.  

The questions and situations Jennifer used for both words, 'goodness,' and 'mercy.'  

These were the questions about the word "goodness":

"Think of a situation or circumstance from your past that didn’t seem all that good at the time. What was it?"

“What were your thoughts and emotions during that experience!”

“Did you receive any value or benefit from that not-so-good situation or circumstance while you were in the middle of it!” 

“Have you received anything beneficial or useful over time?” 

And then about the word 'mercy':

“Think of a past situation or circumstance that was not characterized by loving-kindness at the time. What was it?”  

“What were your thoughts during that experience?” 

 “Have you experienced any deeper understanding of compassion or loving-kindness now that the harsh, unkind, or merciless circumstance is in your past?”

 You can guess what the focus was for my answers, if you know me very well.  My mom. The physical and verbal abuse she inflicted on Greta and me.  The feelings of unworthiness, worthlessness, being unloved, being unwanted, feeling like a 'bad girl' when we couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong except existing.  We were chastised all the time.  While the physical abuse was not constant, the verbal and emotional abuse was.  When Dad would come home later, we had to listen to Mom's account of what horrible girls we were and I just didn't understand. Why? Because none of my friends ever told me that their mothers acted as mine did.  The mothers of my friends were always kind to them, and to me, and that made my situation even more confusing.  To make it worse, the verbal abuse continued until three  years ago, just before she went into the hospital.  Once again I would hear others talk about their mothers being their best friends, how much they loved their mothers, counted on their mothers for advice, missed their mothers after they had died....and I knew that none of those things would be or were at the time, true for me.

The deeper understanding is what was important for me in this lesson.  My mother-in-law was the best and finest woman I have ever known.  She accepted me into the family from the very beginning.  She was kind to me.  She was loving to me.  She cared about me.  Just as she loved and cared about Gary, Sandy, Karen, and Mike.  From her I learned what it was to be a good mother and a good grandmother.  From my mom I learned what kind of a mother NOT to be (Jim's words to me before my mother died).  

Part of my answers as I worked through today's lesson indicated that I felt a long term effect was becoming stronger due to the abuse.  I think I did in some ways.  I learned to be more independent.  I learned NOT to rely on my parents for many things, just to figure it out on my own or ask advice from others whose expertise I respected.  Who would want to be laughed at and told how stupid they were when they were asking questions?  I learned to be more cautious in my relationships with others because I didn't want to be hurt.  I mean...if one's mother doesn't love you, and if you have been told over and over again what a problem you are and how no one will ever like you, then you begin to doubt that you will ever have good friends or be able to develop a good long relationship with anyone.  That took a while for me to overcome, but with Gary's help, I did.

But finally, I wasn't strong enough until the last few years before she died to not let her tirades against me bother me like they used to.  I learned to focus on MY family, on Gary and the girls, and be the best wife and mother I could be.  I try now to be the best Mamaw to Landon, Tessa, Cooper, Owen, and Lynnlee.  I try to be a good friend.  I try to be a good and supportive sister. Sometimes I think "well, Mom would have NEVER taken one of the girls to the quilt shop like you took Tessa" and smile because I know I overcame that lesson from her.

Mainly though I know that God walks with me wherever I go.  He is makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside the still waters.  He does restore my soul.  He leads me in the paths of righteousness.  He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  He anoints my head with oil, and my cup overflows with his goodness.  Because his goodness and his mercy will follow me all the days of  my life.  He was with me when I was growing up.  He was with me during my early adult years.  He is with me now.  He will never forsake me.  And for that I am forever thankful.