Wake Up Call

Finally.  The appointment with the cardiologist was kept.  Not cancelled by either of us.  I was there, at 12:45 as scheduled.

On the drive to Frankfort yesterday morning, I could feel myself get nervous, like I always do before a doctor's appointment.  At the last visit in September 2016, he said he didn't need to see me for a year. I was doing very well, my BP was great, everything sounded as good as it could with AFib, and a year would be good. I hesitated and said I would feel better coming in earlier, like in 9 months.  So an appointment was made for May 22.

Well, you know what happened.  Mom died on the 19th.  We were in Ohio.  Appointment re-scheduled for early June.  Then we were in Ohio that week too, so it was re-scheduled for later in June.  Then he had to cancel.  Re-schedule again for mid-July, then we were in Ohio that week too.  So finally on August 8, the day after we returned from the trip to Kansas, the appointment was NOT cancelled, and I was sitting in the office, trying to calm myself.

The nurse took my BP on one arm, then frowned and moved to the other arm. Why, I asked. Because she knew that the reading must not be right because it was higher than it should be, looking at my recent appointment readings.  Three readings later - no change.  It was still 156/100.  Usually it is around 112 or 116/75 or so.

So what did I do?   Burst into tears.   I explained that not only had my mom died on May 19, my mother-in-law had died on November 10 and my father-in-law before that on March 31 so we had lost three of our parents in 14 months.  And to top it off we had been in Ohio for five weeks off and on through the summer to clean out the house which was a major undertaking.  I felt like I was falling apart.  My chest was hurting (from tension, I know) and now my BP was high, and my eating habits had gone crazy and I was just falling apart, quickly.   So I sat there and cried.  

Now the nurse was comforting and tried to sympathize by saying that it was very hard to lose one's mother, that she had lost hers 8 years earlier and still missed her every day.  She even told me as we were walking out that it would hit me at strange times just how much I missed my mother.   When I finally got to the car again, I cried more and not because that was true.  I was crying because I felt so guilty that I wasn't missing my mother.  I didn't miss her.  I didn't think I would ever miss her.  It was a relief to know that I would NOT be laughed at or berated or made fun of or yelled at anymore, as I had been for most of my life.  Not just an old lady ranting or with dementia affecting her.  No...she didn't like me and let me know it.  How can I miss being told how stupid I am?  How can I miss her phone calls when she never called me to start with?  Will I ever go to the phone and pick it up and call 330-264-4261 without thinking, then stop and remember that she is gone?  No.  I haven't done that for years because she didn't like to talk to me.  Or if I did call her, it was all about her and the newscasters and what she had read in the paper or how terrible the neighbors were, then she would write in her journal that I had called and 'reamed her out'.  No...not missing that at all.  

So I kept crying.  And I cried as I drove from Mulberry to Megan's house.  I sobbed.  I yelled.  I bawled.  I let it all out.

But the fact remains that my BP is high.  Too high.  What to do?

Change my eating habits.  My plans to return to WW fell through since my Wednesdays are full right now until at least the middle of September.  But I can change them on my own. I know what to do.  I just have to follow through and do it.

Rest.  I need to sleep at night. No more staying up until midnight and getting up at 6:30.  Going to bed at 9:30 or so will help.  I can read, fall asleep, rest, and feel better.

Walk.  I was walking more at Mike's and I really felt better.  Granted it was only two days of walking plus all of the walking on the fairgrounds for a couple of days, but it really helped me feel better.  I can walk in the park in Winamac or on the Panhandle Pathway.  I should have been walking around the subdivision when I was at Mom's but I didn't.  Too busy cleaning out all of her junk and bagging up clothes.

One way or the other I will do this.  

BP check with the nurse when we return from the auction.

Another appt with the doctor in February.

Once the auction is over and the estate settled, the tension should ease.

Right?  It has to.