Me, Myself, and Lies - The End !!

It took a while, and I didn't end on time with the OBS, but I finally finished the book Me, Myself, and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild.  Despite the sidetracks, the interruptions, and the downright lack of focus during the last few months, I persevered and completed!  Check another OBS off the list as COMPLETED!  Not bad for someone who started this journey with Proverbs 31 studies a few years ago and faltered repeatedly, starting strong and fizzling before the finish.  

First of all  this morning I had to search for my book!  I knew it was around here somewhere, and it did take a little while to find in under a stack of things to take to Megan today that were piled in the orange chair.  

I settled into the recliner, determined.  First of all I looked for the passage from page 140 that Rhonda had mentioned in the FB post. Actually I read the paragraph before and the entire paragraph containing the sentence and the paragraph following.  "I am who I am and where I am because of God."  This thought has popped up frequently in the last few weeks.  

I often say I made the conscious choice to stay in Indiana rather than move back to Ohio when Mom and Dad did in 1973.  The underlying reason was that I didn't want to be around Mom and her verbal abuse, her condescension, and her critical, domineering attitude toward me and everyone else in the family.  What I realize now is that it really wasn't my conscious choice - it was God's plan for my life.  He led me to West Central and my first job. I was much happier there than I would have been at West Lafayette who called me after I signed the WC contract (and thankful for a dad that stressed honoring your word).  If I hadn't been at WC, I wouldn't have met Gary, fallen in love, married him, built a family with him, had a successful and happy teaching career at WC, had the opportunity to teach at Purdue, then at Ivy Tech.  I wouldn't have had a supportive extended family of in-laws who loved and cared for me every day. No, it wasn't really MY choice at all. It was all God's plan.

Moving to the final chapter, Chapter 11. "Lift Up:  Praise the Lord, O My Soul" is the title.  What I noticed about this chapter was that the focus needs to shift from 'me' to 'God' and 'others.'  As I read, I was rather smug, thinking that I do this all the time, that my mom was the self-centered one.  Indeed, part of that was true.  When I read 'It's all about me' on page 194 and "What can appear on the surface to be an inflated opinion of self is often a flimsy attempt to compensate for the very opposite" on page 195 and finally "Remaining self-centered is easier if you remain isolated" on page 197 all pointed to Mom.  The first quote from page 194 is Mom all over.  Everything WAS about her, never about anyone else.  SHE was what was most important, and if it couldn't be her, then it was how she belittled others to make herself appear better than they were, thus trying to elevate herself, which brings us to the quote from page 195.  The picture that comes to mind with the last quote from page 197 is that of Mom sitting in the ugly chair, light turned on, darkened room because the drapes were drawn and the trash bag taped over the door windows and the blinds closed, isolating herself and being the self-centered person that she was.  But then...I moved to the checklist on page 196.  Lo and behold, I saw myself in some of those qualities.  

Out-of-balance self-awareness.  Oh my.  Lonely center of my thought closet.  Oh my again.  

Now my first thought was that it wasn't entirely my fault that some of these were part of me.  Why not?  Because Mom always made us (Greta and me) feel like everything was our fault, and part of that has stayed with me through the years.  I always feel like things are my fault and I am always bristling when I am blamed or when I feel like I WILL be blamed, even if it is not spoken aloud.  I am working on this.  

I do stumble at criticism.  I always have.  I try so hard to do what is expected, to make people happy, to earn their trust and respect by not ruffling feathers too much.  So when I hear criticism, I bristle.  Once more--a throw back to Mom who could find something wrong in every good thing that I ever did or that ever happened in my life (re: Megan's wedding and Mom's constant pecking at Greta to tell her what went wrong so she could elevate the negative over the positives of a beautiful ceremony and wonderful reception and a fun time)  It's hard to get out of the mindset that everyone will criticize me.  Thin skin? Yes.  It's been thin for a long time.

Offended by people's behavior - Not as much as I used to be.  I think seeing FB posts by people who hide behind fake names and trash everything and like to argue has helped me not have an inflated view of myself.  I am learning to ignore them and try to show good morals and values in my interactions with others.

This one is hard - "If you take personally every comment made in your presence, chances are you think the world revolves around you!"  I don't think the world revolves around me, by any stretch of the imagination.  But I do take too many comments personally.  Why?  Well, blanket statements made in the hope that the person who needs to hear it, will.  At West Central, because some teachers were not at their stations for bathroom duty between classes, we were all reprimanded and told we would be watched and our absences from our posts noted.  That made me wonder if the time a student stayed after class for some extra help and I didn't get to the restroom door as quickly as I should have was noted and I would then be in trouble for that.  Same thing with bus duty, even though I never missed, but I might not be there exactly after the bell rang because a student needed help or had a question or stopped by my room after classes for a newspaper to take home. In my head I would know that another teacher down the hall who never went to bathroom duty was the target (and totally oblivious to the reminder), but that didn't stop me from thinking that maybe, just maybe, I needed to clean up my act.  The same thing would happen at Ivy Tech - we had to be more diligent in mentoring students so we were required to log every interaction in a notebook which would be checked by our program chairs or deans. I already mentored my students and I knew I did a good job with it, but I immediately thought I was being targeted as not doing enough.  Or why wouldn't I think the comment might be aimed at me if I heard someone in the hall say, outside my door, "Well, doesn't she ever look in the mirror before she leaves the house?  Can't she see how terrible those clothes fit her?" and I look at my new outfit and wonder if what I thought looked really nice on me...didn't.  If I walked into the lab and overheard two students talking about how unfair the grading was on a particular assignment, then they noticed me and stopped talking....I automatically thought they were talking about me.  A few times I  jokingly said "Ok...talking about me again?" and they laughed and explained another instructor and an experience from another class that they shared.  I don't think the world revolves around me, rather that things may be said in my presence so I can 'take the hint' rather than telling me to my face.

But when I really think deeply about it....none of these things are true nor are they important.  I don't need to please others; I need to please God.  I don't need the acceptance of others; I have been accepted by God.  I am a sinner, I do things that are wrong, and I need to rectify my mistakes, but the ultimate forgiveness comes from God. As long as I am living a Godly life, treating others as I want to be treated, and putting others first, then the focus on me will decrease and the focus on others will increase.

Nonetheless, I need to work on these things too.  The bottom line is that I do the three things that Jennifer recommends on page 197:

1.  Pray that I will decrease and God will increase.  This is something that I have been working on sporadically and need to be more diligent about.

2.  Practice emptying myself. Focus on others.  

3.  Stay connected with others.  The more I do with others and FOR others, the less focused I will be on myself. I know this is true.  When I felt sorry for myself on campus or was having a bad day, just focusing on my students and helping them was uplifting and soon my own grumpiness vanished.

Whew!  Another book finished.  Another OBS finished. The in-depth Bible study that I craved did not happen because of the time constraints, but I will be sure to include in the next one, which is coming up in September.  I will be ready. Book is ordered and should be delivered next week.  By the time the study begins, the auction will be over and the estate close to being settled, the baby will be closer to the birth date, and maybe life can settle into somewhat of a routine once again.

This was a great study.  Just what I needed. And why am I not surprised?  Because God's timing is perfect.