Jesus Calling - Yesterday and Today

 Since I was awake at 3 in the morning yesterday, I started the journal entry and reading for October 12.  The plan was to finish it upon re-awaking at a more normal time.  Well, like usually happens, the best laid plans and all.....it never happened.

This morning I saw on the blue couch in the family room, listening to Cooper and Lynnlee playing, and discovered that I had never returned to it.  Shame on me.

The message, though, is one that I really needed to hear, not only yesterday but everyday.

Worrying about what others think.

Upon reading the narrative and thinking about the verse, I know the origin of my insecurity.

Like always....the roots are in Mom.

According to her, no one would like me.

Not in Mt. Vernon---because we were the outsiders.

Not in Francesville ---because after all, the only reason anyone would like me was so that their child would get a better grade in my classes, right?  Of course my integrity as a teacher was being questioned also because why would I base grades on anything other than the student's work in my class?  

But that escaped Mom.  Or if I even mentioned that particular scenario, then the blank look would be on her face (because she didn't understand that concept) and then she would snap back to being snippy with me and asserting that her opinion was the right one.

In fact every time there was a problem with a student and I shared that, the reason behind it would be something I had done, or hadn't done, which resulted in the reason being my fault.  Why would anyone think I was a good teacher?  Or like me?  Or think anything nice about me?  

After all..I had been a horrible child, full of problems. 

Even when I was an older adult, there were always reasons why something didn't happen correctly (and it was my fault) or there were hidden reasons why certain things happened (like I was fired instead of my decision to retire) because after all, no one liked me and I made people upset with me.

So...this particular narrative hit home today.  I have talents.  I am a good person.  People do like me.  But most of all, I am a child of God, no matter what, and He loves me.  (even though I can still hear my mother saying with scorn in her voice "And you call yourself a Christian...")

Today's main verse was Psalm 46:10  "Be still and know that I am God."

Too often there are so many distractions during a day.  There are people and events and occurrences vying for one's attention.  Today was one of those.  Megan and Matt went to French Lick for a couple of days, a much needed getaway for them.  Matt had arranged for Cooper and Lynnlee to stay with us while they were gone.  Having a 7 year old boy and a 3 year old girl in the house changes everything.  There is noise.  There are demands.  There is a mess created.  Meals are different.  Lynnlee still needs diaper changes.  Sleep schedules are earlier than ours.  There are bubble baths.  There is more care about jumping on trampolines and checking to see where everyone is at any given time, not that there are places to wander off to, as long as they stay in the yard and on this side of the creek.

But it seems like adult tempers are stronger and patience is shorter.  Sometimes the versions of cleaning up vary.  The roles that one plays in the house seem to be lopsided at times.  For instance Lynnlee prefers me to Papaw.  Everything she does or needs requires my attention.  Some things that Cooper wants or needs requires me as well, like playing games.  Cleaning up the kitchen is not just putting the food away; it also is wiping off the counters and cleaning off the island plus sweeping the floor, especially if kids have been eating at the island.  Drying hair after baths is a Mamaw thing as is running the bath and adding bubbles. Supervising clean up of the family is my job also.  I know....I am looking at it from just my perspective, but I do know that patience is short and I seem to be in trouble more because I haven't done something or taken care of things.

Be still.  Know that I am God.  Know that these two kiddos are such wonderful blessings to us.  Be thankful that we found this house and yard and outbuildings so that we could be closer and available for times like this.  We have a family room where all of the toys are located, contained into one area, with a closet even!  We didn't have that before!  

These two kiddos are so special to me and I am SO thankful that Matt and Megan trust us so that they can stay with us while their folks go on a little getaway for a few days.  

I just need the reminder to "Be still and know that I am God."