Fear of Sleep or Is It a Fear of the Night?

 Lately, probably for the last year or so, I have dreaded the night time and especially bed time.

Why?  I just don't like sleeping.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Sleeping is essential.  It's a good thing.  It is necessary.

Snuggling under my warm blanket and falling asleep after an early morning wake up is just bliss....most of the time. Key words - early morning.

But lately, as I said, the last year or so, the dreams have been bad.  Not life-threatening dreams.  Not morbid dreams.  Not dreams of ax murderers or being trapped underground.  But dreams that are just normal occurrences that turn scary.  Or strange.  Or weird. And seem so real.

Dreams must be related to current thoughts or what I read or topics Gary and I talk about during the evening.  Why?  Because those things show up in my dreams.  

Wearing masks.  Visions of diseases permeated the air and attacking people.  Being stuck in the house and not being able to go outside at all. Never seeing regular people again.  Being restricted about everything.

Things like that.

Usually I wake myself up and remember the dream in vivid detail.  After a shuffle to the bathroom and back to bed, the details usually disappear and by morning, I can't even remember the topic ...well, kind of.  

But now?  I can't remember them.  Only the one where an explosion happened at a county fairgrounds.  I said that we needed to find Blaine because he was a firefighter and would know what to do.  Before I could move, the explosion turned into a fireball that was moving through the fairgrounds to envelop all of the buildings in its path.  I was ready to scream because I didn't know where the rest of the family was...and I woke up shaking.  

One time I woke up feeling hot and checked my head for a fever.  My forehead was cool, as it has been every time I have checked it since March (several times a day), and I kicked off the blankets and sheet so I could cool off and fall asleep again.  

The darkness seems to permeate my entire being and scare me.  Maybe it began when Gary was sick with the infection in his foot and was hospitalized for a week.  The boys stayed with me the first night, but after that I was on my own and hearing every sound in the house.  And the trains.  

Maybe it began where there were rumors of people marching and looting and burning business and house and infiltrating small rural communities.  I didn't want to sleep at all those nights until the rumors were proved to be unfounded. 

Right now....10:20 p.m.  It is dark. Bedtime is coming.  I am dreading it.  I don't want to fall asleep.  I know I am tired.  I know I need sleep. I know the Yaggie kids will be here tomorrow and Landon is planning to bake a cake.  I need to be awake, energized, alert.  I need to sleep.

Maybe I need to stay awake until around 4, reading my book or sewing, then fall asleep until noon.  Think that might work?