Another Sleepless Night

I know why I wake up between 2 and 3 a.m. 

Bathroom call.

But why can't I return to sleep after I visit the bathroom, which is much closer to our bedroom than it used to be?

My mind starts working, and I can't shut it off. 

Here I am. Sitting in my recliner in the living room.  Light is on.   I checked FB.  I read emails.  I signed up for the next Proverbs 31 OBS.  I posted in the forum where Rhonda and I share our thoughts on a daily devotion. 

And I am awake.

Soon Blaine will be driving in to do the chores before he goes to work, and later he will tell Hilary (or mention to us) that when he was here he noticed that the living room light was on.

And I will nod and say..."That was me.  I was awake again at 3:00 in the morning."

Gary will ask me why, like he always does.  He will tell me that I should just close my eyes and go to sleep.  He will shake his head and not understand why I can't be like him and just nod off whenever I want to. 

It just doesn't work that way for me.  Why?  I don't know.

It used to frustrate me so much when I was teaching.  I knew that the alarm would be ringing at 5:30 and I needed my sleep, but there was no way I could stop my mind from racing everywhere.  Usually it would be some thoughts about Mom or my anger and frustration with her that would keep my eyes from closing.  But that is over now.

But maybe that is really what is bothering me.  Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of her death.

I remember that morning.  I was upstairs at the old house, dressing for Tessa's pre-school program.  I was in Megan's old room finding my clothes when the phone rang.  Gary answered it, and I could tell by his voice that it was Greta, and I knew why she was calling.

Even though I was expecting it.  Even though I felt a weight lifted.   Even though inside I felt relieved.  My  mother had died.

Just typing that now brings tears to my eyes because that was the truth. 

My mother had died.

Both of my parents were dead.

Three years ago.

Maybe that is why I can't sleep.  It's been on my mind.