Christmas Eve 2019

This has seemed like a strange Christmas season for me.

Why?

Not sure.

I think I am more aware, for one thing, of the brevity of life.  My good friend Susan died in August, and her family is adjusting to a holiday season without her.

Since our 50th class reunion in October, two of our classmates have died, one of brain cancer, and his families are grieving.

Gary was sick in June, and I was scared, so scared, that he was going to die.  I don't want to lose him.  I don't want to have to do this life without him.  It scared me to the point that I ached everywhere and could barely function.  I keep thinking of that.  And I know...he IS still here.  He IS with us.  I should be counting my blessings and enjoying this time together. 

But that nagging thought is still in the back of my mind.

Then there are the people from 'home' that have died recently.  People we knew well.  Steve Fulmer.  Bob Meyer.  Gerald Kruger.   Roger Cummings.  All of their families have said goodbye to them in the last 6 weeks and are managing to go through the holidays without them.

I mentioned the strange mood to Gary, who just doesn't understand, and he told me that all of us were still here, and to stop thinking of things that hadn't happened; I was ruining not only my holiday season but his and the girls' seasons as well because I was crying and moping around.

True.

I need to focus on these things, and maybe if I write about them, it will help re-direct my thoughts.

Mary and Joseph and the Christ Child.  My favorite Christmas song is "Mary, Did You Know?" that Mark Lowry wrote and sings so beautifully.  When I listen to that song, my focus is definitely on the birth of Jesus, his parents not having a room at the Inn, and how miraculous His birth really was.

I need to focus on family.  We are the hosts of the family Christmas now.  As I am typing this, Angie has come to the family room to ask a couple of questions.  They arrived on Sunday evening and will leave for home tomorrow morning so they can prepare for the Hunt Sisters Christmas that they are hosting over next weekend.

We hosted our girls and their families on Sunday and I spent most of the day crying and feeling sad.  Why?  The things mentioned above, and the feeling that somehow we weren't measuring up to what was expected.

Why do I feel  like that?  I am not sure, but I try to buy gifts that the kids want, that they need, and that they will enjoy.  I try to keep track of how much is spent so that all of the recipients are even.  Sometimes the bigger ticket items look small, and I am not sure that the recipients realize that.  Maybe they do, but sometimes I feel like the comparison mode is on when presents are being opened.  I told Gary the other day that I feel like just buying a set of gift cards and giving everyone the same amount and just be done with it.  Then no complaints, no comparisons, no feelings of  'he/she got more than I did.'  But that would eliminate the fun of seeing the kids open presents and squeal with delight about what was hidden under that paper.  Listening to Landon be so excited with his metal detector.  Hearing Cooper yell with glee about the cleaning set.  Seeing Lynnlee plop herself in her chair and pull her Minnie Mouse blanket around her while holding her Fancy Nancy doll.  Watching Tessa play with her kitchen for her American Girl dolls.  Owen chasing his bulldozer around the living room.  Walking down the steps and seeing Matt, Megan, Hilary, and Blaine working together to construct the new basketball game in the family room.  Listening to the squeals of joy when baskets are made and the thumps against the wall and the closet door.

All of those things make this worth it.  All of these things should make me feel blessed that we can celebrate together, that we have the means to buy gifts for our family, that Blaine didn't have to work (or go to work or come from work) so that we can all celebrate together.

My attitude needs adjustment.  It really does.

So many people are without the means to buy any gifts at all.

So many people have lost loved ones over the last year and are grieving, especially when families gather and there are empty seats.

So many people have family serving in the military and they can't be here for the holidays.

Others have family members who are sick and in the hospitals or nursing homes and life will never be the same for them again.

So....time to get my head in the right place, Beth.

My family will be gathering here this afternoon.  There will be 22 of us.  All of us have stockings hung.  All of us will open gifts.  All of us will enjoy food (another thing to remember because many peopke are hungry).  All of us have warm homes to return to  (and some people do not because they can't pay their bills or are homeless). 

There are so many things to be thankful for and I need to remember that.  Each.  Moment.  Of.  Today.

It's Christmas.

We are family.

We will be here together.

That is what is important.

And even more important is that Christ was born, in a manger, to the virgin Mary and Joseph.

Merry Christmas Eve!