A Special Lady in My Life

I have been thinking so much the last few days about my dear mother-in-law.  It has been a month since she left us and went to live in Heaven with her husband and Jesus.  I miss her so much.

Why was she so special?  Many reasons.

Her early life was very difficult.  Her father died when she was 7.  Her mother didn't want her children; she was more interested in her boyfriends than she was her four daughters and two sons.  Welfare soon stepped in, and the family was separated.  Agnes spent her elementary and junior high years living in an orphanage, the Indiana Soldiers and Sailors Home for Children.  Taking care of children in the community, washing clothes, and cleaning houses were part of her duties.  Eventually she lived with her Aunt Katie in Medaryville and was able to attend high school there.  She also caught the eye of a young man who was intrigued by that beautiful young girl walking down the street to the school every day.  They met, courted, married, and lived in the same house where they raised their four children for 66 years.

In the forty years that I have been part of the family, I never heard Agnes complain about her life.  As Jim said during the funeral, she didn't have a good role model for a wife or a mother, but she knew how to love her husband and her family.  She instilled that love in her four children, their spouses, her grandchildren, and her four great-grandchildren.  She enjoyed her life.  She made do with what she had.  She used duct tape like I have never seen it used before!  She kept a clean house, all of the clothes were washed and dried, and food was always on the table for each meal.  She raised vegetables in the garden and filled canning jars and freezer bags with the produce.  Cows were butchered for the best roasts, steaks, and hamburger anyone could desire.  Money may have been tight, but the family was never wanting for anything. And Agnes never complained the first time.  Never.

Agnes was just a 'nice lady,' and everyone who knew her would agree with that.  I spent some time this afternoon with Lois Stiller across the field. Her son Bob graduated with Mike so she and Monte were parents, along with my in-laws,  of classmates, teammates on the football and basketball teams, and spent much time together in gyms and on bleachers.  Plus her granddaughter Elyse was a good friend of Hilary's and visited Grandpa and Grandma with her often.  Lois today mentioned how sweet Agnes was, what a great couple both Leo and Agnes were, and how much they cared about their family.  After we talked I had to agree that they were indeed well-respected in the community.  Agnes was a good wife and mother, always supportive to her family, always attending events and activities.

From Agnes and Leo I learned that families stick together and support; they don't desert.  When I received my master's degree from Purdue in 1977, I declined to walk in the ceremony.  My mother reluctantly attended my graduation from ISU in 1973 and stressed that weekend what an imposition it was for her to be there. My father didn't attend because, as my mother said, he couldn't make two trips from Wooster to Indiana in a month and it was more important for him to be at my sister's graduation at the end of the month than at mine.  When I received my Purdue diploma in the mail and showed it to Gary's folks, Leo asked why I didn't walk in the ceremony a few weeks earlier.  I said I didn't think anyone would want to go with me and watch me except Gary and I didn't want to be hurt again.  He quickly set me straight on that, telling me that he and Agnes would have been there, and Ann and Bud would have supported me too.  A few years later when Mike graduated from Purdue, then from University of Missouri, first with his master's degree, then with his doctorate, we were all there, supporting him and Angie.   Not walking in my Purdue graduation is something I will always regret.  I worked hard for that degree, and I would have loved to have the memory of receiving it with people who loved me and cared about me in the audience, cheering for me.  This is just one example of support from my in-laws.  They attended so many games and performances of their granddaughters.  They were the first guests to arrive at birthday parties and graduation open houses. They never missed Grandparents' Days at West Central Elementary.  Phone calls to check on us during storms, after travel to a vacation spot or to see if we had returned home....all of those things showed their love for their family.

This fall Agnes told me several times how much she appreciated me.  She thanked me often for bringing food for her, for picking up her medicine, for getting the mail, for buying her pants and nightgowns that fit her better since the cancer was eating away at her body.  During the harvest she would tell me what a good wife I was, and had been, and how much Gary appreciated my riding in the combine with him, bringing him lunch, and filling his water jugs.  She told me how proud she was of the girls and what a great mother I was to have raised such wonderful daughters.  She shared how much she loved Landon, Tessa, Cooper, and Owen, and how she was glad I was retired so I could spend more time with them and enjoy them. The best thing she said to me was the week before she died. She told me I was a good daughter.  Hearing her say that to me meant more than I can ever express.  This is something that I haven't heard very often, and when I did, it was from my dad, and only my dad.  To have my mother-in-law tell me that I was a good daughter is something that I will never ever forget.  I know how much she cared about me.  I know how much she appreciated my being there with her, helping her, taking care of her, fixing her strawberry milkshakes, adding more ice to her water, sharing my body lotion with her when the CNA had bathed her.  I know that she loved me.

Many memories are flooding back at me today.  Why?  Because tomorrow we go to Ohio for my own mother's procedure to replace a valve in her heart. Everything I love and admire about my mother-in-law does not apply to my own mother. Mom grew up in a home with both parents, with food on the table and a good education. Yet Mom repeatedly reminds us that her life has been full of so many hardships.  Mom complained about attending events, and Megan will never forget her not coming to a grandparents day on a Friday because it interfered with her hair appointment.  Another time Mom spent so much time at a grandparents day visiting with grandparents of other students that she didn't even visit Megan's classroom to see what she had prepared for that special day.  Mom always had excuses for not coming here, explaining that she had such a busy schedule that she just couldn't take the time to come to the fair or a Melodyaires performance or a basketball game.  "Family" was not a priority either.  All of my aunts had no common sense, or were domineering, or not good enough to socialize with.  Even pitting family members against each other seemed to be a favorite pastime rather than gathering together to create happy memories.  All the negatives were emphasized, not the positives.  Even now Mom focuses on what is wrong with individuals rather than their attributes.  Including my sister.  Including me.  Including our husbands and my children.

Agnes, however,  loved me. She knew I was a good person.  She bragged about my teaching career to the hospice nurses.  She thought I was a great wife to her son.  She was so proud of her granddaughters and knew that they had been raised well. The four great-grandchildren brightened her day, and she always appreciated our bringing them for visits each time they spent the night with us.

But most of all, she knew I was a good daughter. She told me that during the last few days of her life while I was showing her the new nightgowns I had brought for her so that she would be more comfortable as she rested. A good daughter.  That means the world to me.  I miss her.