Self-Esteem, Anyone?

Isn't it funny how one can read something in a devotional or hear a scripture in a Sunday sermon or see a post on FB that really applies to one's current situation?

This happened to me yesterday when I was reading Chapter 5 in Me, Myself, and Lies, the book for the current OBS from Proverbs 31 ministries.

Jennifer wrote of the roaring lion and how we become so used to its sound that instead of being an ominous distraction, we become desensitized to the danger and block out any feeling of fear or try to run from the potential wrath.

This happens when others (or often we ourselves) bombard us with negative comments, sharp barbs of criticism, or verbal jabs.  We hear them so often that they de-sensitize us to the danger they hold, we become so used to hearing them, and we finally just accept them as true.

Jennifer reminds us that Jesus said 'the thief comes to kill and to steal.  He does it one word at a time, ont thought at a time.'

How true is this?  Greta and I both experienced this with our self-esteem.  We had been told for many years, from being teenagers through adulthood, that we were worthless.  We knew nothing.  Our college educations had no meaning.  We didn't know what it was to be a wife, be a mother, manage money, maintain a household.  Jabs could come in any form.  A side comment here and there.  A compliment that turned into a criticism.  Names such as 'This one' or 'That one in Indiana' or 'The Indiana 10' rather than calling us by our given names or referring to us by our relationships to her, such as 'my daughter' or 'my granddaughters and their families.'  We were always less than people, demeaned by a phrase said with a sneer or a chuckle.

Even though I have not read Mom's journals, I have looked at pieces of paper folded and tucked into spots where they could be found when we were cleaning out drawers.  Through reading some of the narrative, it is obvious that Mom felt inferior to others.  She wrote that she was trained to do one thing - take care of a house.  In fact, we mentioned that to Dean when we met with him before the funeral.  Mom did take care of the house, cooked meals, kept our clothes clean, and was sure that we were not wanting for any of the physical necessities to survive.  But after that....she felt inferior.  Even though she was salutatorian of her class, her grades were not stellar (we know this because we found her report cards). She did not have the opportunity to go to college.  She did not work outside the home once she was married.  I am guessing that because she felt like she needed to 'be in the know' was the reason she was so focused on the watching the news and reading the papers from front to back.  She didn't want people to 'look down their noses' at her (which she mentioned several times in the notes I found).

But then, why did she work so hard to destroy the self-esteem of her daughters?  Why did she focus on the negatives of everyone she knew, including her sisters-in-law, her neighbors, her friends?  Easy answer.  If she pointed out their flaws, then she could feel superior.  If she made us feel like we were inferior and not up to her standards, that is where we would stay.  She could control us. She could be better than we were even though we were college educated, happily married, successfully engaged in careers, and circled with friends who enjoyed our company.  Those were all things she didn't have, couldn't have, struggled with, and made her feel inferior to others.

Back to Chapter 5.  "Those thoughts are not yours until you embrace them and invite them into your thought closet."

How true!  I am a good wife and mother.  Gary and I enjoy each other's company, respect each other, and love each other more every day.  Megan and Hilary have grown into wonderful young women with beautiful families.  I retired after teaching for 43 years, as a department head at West Central and the advisor of a state-recognized Student Council chapter and finally as an associate professor at Ivy Tech.  The negative insults Mom hurled at me in the last 40 years have been founded in nothing more than her own need for superiority and the only way she could accomplish that was to make me feel inferior to her by mocking my accomplishments.  I refuse to embrace her negative thoughts and I refuse them entry into my Thought Closet.

I particularly enjoyed this passage on page 84 - "Choosing which thoughts you'll put into your closet is like shopping for clothes.  You wouldn't go to the local garbage dump, pick through the refuse, and then pull out a smelly, torn, stained shirt to wear, would you?  Of course not."  Why would I allow Mom's negative labels to stick to me when I can be clothed in the ones that I have earned, that I worked hard for, that I know to be true?

Finally - "Let the lion roar outside the door all he wants.The more consistently you refuse to embrace what he tells you, the sooner he will take his Dumpster Designs elsewhere."  And this is true too.

Every time I am tempted to slip into the 'Why did Mom tell me this that or the other thing?' I need to remember that she is the Lion roaring outside my Thought Closet door.  No entry!  No more!  Done! Finished!  The barbed insults were not true then, they are not true now, and they will never take root in my Thought Closet again.  Begone!

Isaiah 40:28-31  Words to remember. The Lord WILL renew my strength.  I will soar on wings like eagles and run and not grow weary. He WILL renew my strength.