Daily Wisdom for Women - January 15, 2023 -

 January 15, 2023 - Loved and Valued - "Then Jacob went on his way, and God's angels met him."  Genesis 32: 1

Hmmmm....because I have made God my refuge, His angels are guarding me (by His command!).  

Every time I read something like this:  "the next time you feel yourself overwhelmed with thoughts of worry and worthlessness, when your fear threatens override your faith, remember all those angels and the Lord of Light with you...."  I think about my mom.  She used to drill into our heads that God was going to be upset with us, wouldn't love us, wouldn't care about us...all because we didn't make our beds or clear the dishes or disagreed with her or were in trouble for some minor transgression.  I was always so afraid that if I died at that moment, I wouldn't be going to heaven because I hadn't washed the dishes correctly.  Or I would burn in hell because I left my bike out overnight.  Or if I argued with Mom about anything, God hated me.  I felt doomed.  Often I felt worthless.  Sometimes I still feel worthless.  Last night was a good example.  More on that later.  But it wasn't until we returned to the Christian Church in Francesville that I finally understood/believed that God did love me for me.  If I messed up in some way, he would forgive me.  He didn't keep a running list of transgressions that he was going to read back to me each time I messed up and then he would tell me "Let's add another one to the How Beth Was Bad list! You are DOOMED, girl.  DOOMED!"   Sad thing is...Mom was still telling me that when I was in my 60s.  Fear had been overriding my faith---but no more!  I know better!  God is my provider, my friend, my support, my rock.  He will not forsake me.  He will not desert me.  

Last night I was dreaming about Mom.  She was in the bedroom in Mt. Vernon and was looking through the closet.  She was pulling out clothes, taking them off the hangers, and stuffing them in a bag.  When I asked her what she was doing, she told me she was taking all of the clothes in the closet to Goodwill for donation.  I said she couldn't do that, that they were MY clothes, and she had no authority to take them and give the away.  She replied that she did because even though I had bought them with money I had, I wouldn't have been able to earn that money without my degree and the only way I got the degree was because she had scrimped and saved to pay all of my college costs.  She never did understand that ISU had awarded me a full tuition scholarship and that I had loans from the bank in Mt. Vernon for the rest of the costs.  I started payment of that loan the year after I began teaching and ended the year after we were married.  As I said, she never understood that.  So no...she never thought that God valued me or Greta nor did He love us.  He kept lists of all of our wrongdoings and would make us pay one day for all of those.  Just so we didn't have to wait, she would start making us 'pay' by reminded us every few weeks or month about those things we had done wrong.  What a sorry and depressing attitude!

You, Lord, are my refuge my love, my life, and light!  Amen.