A Month of Thankfulness - November 21

 Today has been a tough day.  And it is only noon.  I woke up in a fog.  I didn't feel quite right....just a little off.  Everything seemed to be hazy.  I felt a little dizzy as I stumbled from the bed to the bathroom.  I returned to my side, intending to return to sleep since it wasn't quite 7 yet, but that didn't happen.

I have been grumpy all day.  And it is only noon.  It can't be easy for Gary.  He doesn't like me to be so down.  He doesn't like t listen to me complain.  He definitely doesn't like for me to cry.  So I have been trying to contain my grumpiness to myself.  He feels bad enough as it is.

Feeling sorry for myself.  Yep.  That sums it up pretty well.  I am tired of sitting around.  I am upset because my favorite holiday evaporated before my eyes.  My energy has been zapped.  The sense of small has vanished again after returning briefly last night.  

I am scared for Gary.  He just doesn't feel well.  If his COVID test had been positive, then we would know what we are dealing with.  But it wasn't.  Which is a good thing.  But why is he feeling like crap?  How long will this last for him?  When will he start kicking it to the curb and be back to normal?

Yes, here I am, feeling really sorry for myself and for Gary.  No visitors.  No hugs from the kids.  Seeing Owen standing outside on the deck, wanting so badly to come in the house, not understanding why he can't see Papaw, trying to tell me what is happening with him, just breaks my heart.  

Then some things happen that make me so ashamed of myself.

A post from my friend Trish.  She moved to the beach, her happy place, a few years ago.  She created a new home for herself and her cat Samson.  Then she fell ill.  After many hospital stays and testing, it was determined that she has ALS.  She won't be getting better.  She posted today that she is so happy that she has good friends who care for her, that she is able to stay in her apartment, that she wakes up every morning.  She can't move.  She can't type.  She can't eat much.  She is confined to her bed or to her chair.  And here I am complaining.  I am ashamed of myself.  Really  

Then Clay and Karen called.   Karen has been battling a rough couple of weeks with a breast cancer diagnosis and will face surgery soon after Thanksgiving.  I don't know the extent of the surgery, nor do I know what else is recommended for treatment, but she has to be terrified of what is coming up for her.  And I am struggling because I have no energy?  That my sense of smell left again?  I am ashamed of myself.  Really.

A friend on the DWLZ FB page  shared that she lost a dear friend to COVID, that the friend had no idea how she had come in contact with the virus (neither do we) but had breathing issues, was hospitalized, vented, and died.  Her funeral is today.  I am SO thankful that we are still at home, that my case has been mild.  If losing my sense of smell and not having any energy is as bad as it gets for me, then why am I complaining?  I am ashamed of myself.  Really.

I DO have much for which to be thankful.  I just slip into the "boo hoo...feel sorry for Beth" mode once in a while.  No..who am I kidding?  Too often.  Every day.  Several times a day.  And it doesn't have to be this way.  State of mind is half the battle...sometimes more than half the battle.

I am thankful.  I am thankful that we are feeling better than we were last week at this time.  I am thankful that we are mobile and that we don't need care from others.  I am thankful that Gary tested negative.   He is a much better fighter than I am..he will be fine. I am thankful that neither of us need to be hospitalized.  I am thankful that we can breathe easily.   And I am thankful that God is walking on this journey with us and keeping us as healthy as we can be right now.