Just Troubled

I have written a couple of posts lately that I have returned to the next day and deleted. 

Why?

Because they were just a way to get things off my chest.  Because hammering on the keys on the laptop felt better than yelling at someone. 

So why delete?  Because when I returned to read them the next day, the problems didn't seem to be so bad.  I could imagine myself reading the same post written by someone else and wondering why this person was so upset about those things.  

But maybe there is some merit in the way I have been feeling lately.

First of all--- I drove into Lafayette yesterday morning while Gary was mowing.  I need to pick up medicine at the drive up window at Meijer.  I also needed a few things in the grocery area plus I wanted to purchase a new waffle iron.  The waffle iron was needed so that Landon could mix up a batch of oatmeal waffles.  He had found the recipe in my recipe box last week and it had sparked an interest.  When I resurrected our old waffle iron and cleaned it up, the smell emitting from it after I plugged it in permeated the house.  Big clue that using it for waffles was not going to happen.   

There was an issue with picking up the meds.  The Express pay that I used hadn't worked.  Then my debit card wouldn't work in the device in the little window thingy that they use.  The clerk took my debit card to the register on the inside window and when she scanned to barcodes on the meds again, the express pay worked.  Not a big deal, but it was just an annoyance.

After observing the customers going in and out of Meijer and their lack of facemasks, I decided to go to Target where I felt more comfortable since we had been there twice recently.

The Target stop was successful, for the most part.  I picked up a LARGE container of instant oats, just in case we needed to make a double batch of waffles or another batch of oatmeal cookies.  I added to the cart the 1/2 gal of 2% milk which was the only thing on my list, along with another bottle of Trop 50, then a container of Lit N Fit Vanilla Yogurt.  Next stop was the kitchen appliances section for a waffle iron.  The small iron I intended to purchase was not available in a box, so my only option was a Belgian waffle maker with room for 4 squares. That would work, but it was also nearly double the amount of $$ I had thought I would spend.  Just for one session of making waffles.  But I thought that if I had a nice waffle maker, and since we were into making Sunday Brunch now, this might be a good thing to have.

Leaving Target I drove to the JoAnn Fabrics close by.  Once again the mask went on before I entered the store.  My search for gray thread was not too successful.  I found just one of the Dual Duty that I wanted, plus another spool of navy and a more expensive spool of gray from another manufacturer.  I winced as I spent nearly $20 for 3 spools of thread.  Really?

Then the depression set it. 

I couldn't browse anywhere like I am used to doing.  Social distancing made even the quest for thread difficult.  People would see me standing there, looking at the various colors, halt, then back away.  I had to do the same thing with any of the aisles I chose to walk through to make my way to the check out.  

Similar things were happening at Target.  No one said hello.  No one nodded a greeting.  Heads were down and people moved to accomplish their missions and nothing more.  No browsing.  Just the feel of "I am looking for this one thing and i need to get it and get out of here."  

When I returned home, Gary was still mowing.  Megan and Matt and the kids pulled in before I was out of the Escape.  Before they left, Hilary and the kids arrived.  Everything that happened after that set me off inside because I was trying hard NOT to be mad at the kids, even though I just wanted to scream.


Why was I so on edge?  Besides the mask-wearing and restrictions on browsing when shopping and spending more on a waffle iron and thread than I had planned?

Everything is bothering me.

Even though I am fine with not going to a restaurant to eat, I don't like feeling that I can't.  It's different that when Gary was on 'house arrest' with his foot last year.  We couldn't go, and that was ok.  But to not feel safe going, being afraid to be around other people.  I don't like that.

Chase on Paw Patrol being banned, possible.  Really?  Because he is a law enforcement pup?

Lady Antebellum changing their name to Lady A.

Gone with the Wind being pulled from streaming.

Cancelling the last part of our trip to Florida in two weeks.

Not going to Nick's graduation.

Being afraid to travel anywhere too far if I need to  miss having a bathroom break which is really hard for me to do.   But are the bathrooms clean?

Being afraid to travel anywhere that might require an overnight stay...how can I sleep in a bed that may not be clean?  Must we sanitize everything just to be safe?  Wouldn't it be better just to return home instead?

Being afraid to watch Landon's showing of pigs and goats anywhere where there are other people.

Still being terrified of one of us contracting this virus.

Petrified of the coming election and what will happen to this country.

The hatred that everyone is feeling and showing.

The 'off limits' topics of conversation within our own family.

Being afraid of someone blowing up over this and family ties being severed, maybe permanently. 

The big fear of our country being destroyed.  So many are throwing threats and challenges.  Loud voices are demanding things that are contrary to our constitution and to the basic premises of common sense.

Challenges are being made and those who have the power to maintain control are slowly losing that power.

I am scared.

No I am terrified.

And that is why I am feeling so troubled, even when I go somewhere as non-threatening as JoAnn Fabrics to buy thread.