Just Hit Me over the Head...

I know, I know.  Sometimes it takes me a while to just 'get it.' But when I do, it is epic for me.

I always have my defenses up, it seems.  It takes me hearing something several times, several different ways, from several people to have it FINALLY sink in. I know that.  Gary knows that.  Megan and Hilary know that.  And probably my few friends that really know me know it too.  Well, here we go again.

I am  deep in the midst of the OBS from Proverbs 31.  I always try to get into the studies, but that doesn't always work for whatever reason happens.  But this one?  I really like Jennifer Rothschild and I have always loved Psalm 23.  In fact, it is one of the few things from the Bible that I have memorized and I thank my Sunday School teachers at Westville Congregational Christian Church for that.  Nikki, our FB group leader for the OBS, knows that I am resistent to memorizing scripture because it just doesn't work for me.  This time, though!   I am rocking it!

Anyway, I am behind, but just a few days.  This morning while I am sitting in the living room of the condo we have this week at Myrtle Beach, SC, I am trying to catch up.  As I finished Week 2, Day 4 (which should have been last Thursday) something hit me hard.  I was feeling sorry for myself...again.  I was weepy.  I had been crying.  Why?  Who knows?  Just feeling down about things and scared about an appointment with Dr. Hart next week and trying NOT to be scared but to trust God to lead me through it all.  He is my shepherd and He is leading me, right?

But then I read the middle of page 70.  Here it is:

Have you had any situations in your life that were still waters in disguise?  If so, what did you learn about your Shepherd?  What did you learn about yourself?

For sheep to get what they need from their shepherd, they must be willing to obey when he makes them lie down in green pastures.  And they must be willing to follow when he leads them to the still waters.  They must put themselves under the shepherd's authority. If they stubbornly dig their little hooves into the pasture or ignore the shepherd's guidance, they won't be where tey need to be in order to get what they need.

Jennifer had just written about a time when she was ill and was forced to rest on the red couch and that turned into her 'green pastures' and 'still waters.'

So how does this relate to me?

At first I thought about the second knee replacement surgery that was needed at the beginning of the fall semester in 2014.  Talk about bad timing!  But I told my students that one of the 'silver linings' for that whole experience was that as new students at the college, they not only had the experience of meeting in a classroom setting, but they were also forced to work online because that is what was needed for us to complete the semester.  That was even more true when during that same semester shingles hit me hard by attacking the right side of my face, into my right ear, and crept into my hairline also.  But now looking at that semester, I needed rest from the busy summer and a full teaching load.

But then...here it is...it 'hit me over the head.'  This past summer.

Because of Gary's foot infection, the amputation of his little toe, the subsequent wound vac and weeks with Home Health Care, we were restricted to staying home from the middle of June until the beginning of September when he was finally released.  While I was concerned about him, of course, I was also very disappointed that our plans for the summer had to be changed.  And I do mean really changed.

No trip to Florida with  Megan, Matt, Cooper, and Lynnlee.

No trip to Louisville, KY to see Nick show his cattle.

No outside yard work.

No going to movies.

No work with Landon's pigs and goats.

No 4-H fair for Gary.

No outside projects completed.

No unpacking of more boxes.

Just staying at home and his recuperation.

But now I look at that time and realize that it was the period of 'still waters' that we really needed.

Why?

Because the summer of 2015 I was teaching a heavy summer load and spent most of the time in the sunroom, grading papers.

Because the summer of 2016 I taught my last summer class, and actually my very last class at Ivy Tech before retirement and spent the summer cleaning out my office and struggling emotionally with the fact that my teaching career was ending.

Because the summer of 2016 was the summer after Leo died and the summer that Agnes was sick and Mom was failing and my mind was also with the care of our parents.  Plus Gary was farming alone and I was concerned about our future with his life's dream.

Because the summer of 2017 was one where we spent most of the time on the road between Pulaski and Wooster, spent many days in Wooster at our 'second home' cleaning out 70 years of stuff that Mom had accumulated, preparing for the sale of the house and the auction of personal property.  It was emotionally and physically exhausting.

Because in the summer of 2018 we bought our current house, prepared it for our move, then moved into our new home, leaving behind the house where we had lived for 42 years, had made into the home where we raised Megan and Hilary, and where many memories were made.  Then THAT house had to be cleaned out along with preparing for the farm auction and  cleaning out Leo and Agnes' house as well for its sale.

That makes me exhausted all over again, just thinking about it all.

Which brings me back to the passage I read this morning.

The situations that were still waters in disguise?  This entire summer.  Gary being forced to stay at home.  My being forced to take on duties that either he did or that we shared.  Being on my own for shopping and planning and taking care of errands.

Why were these things still waters?  Because they forced us to spend more time just being instead of doing.  Because we rested.  Because our calendars were clear except for my fitness center mornings and doctors' appointments.  Because we just couldn't go anywhere.

Why did I learn about my Shepherd?  That He is there with me even when I don't realize it.  And that HE knows what I need better than I do.

What did I learn about myself?  That I can do things on my own if I need to.  I can do all of the grocery shopping.  I can go to Meijer with a list and be in and out in record time.  That I can enjoiy time at home and that I don't have to be on the go all the time.  That sitting on the deck in the evenings with my husband is just the best thing ever. That I can be myself without making any kind of excuses to anyone.  That we don't need to be 'on the go' all the time.

Now that the summer is over, that the 'house arrest' has been lifted, we are gradually getting back into the old routine.  We are going out to eat more often.  Gary is going along on shopping trips.  I have been itching to go places instead of just staying at home.  I noticed that last Tuesday nothing was on the schedule to do or to be so I sewed all afternoon and I caught up on my Bible Study in the morning and it was a great day.

And...I am cooking and baking more and I really like it!

So yes. Just hit me over the head.  Sometimes it takes a few times and a few light bulb moments for it really to sink it.

But it did.

And I feel good about it.

Finally.