Just rude!

On Friday, May 19, my mother died.  On Saturday Gary and I drove to Wooster to stay at her house, plan and attend the funeral services with our family, and begin the overwhelming task of sorting through decades of her (and Dad's) possessions.

Greta, Kent, Gary, and I had met with the funeral director in January to pre-plan and pre-pay for Mom's services.  All that needed to be done on Saturday was to finalize the date and time of the visitation and the funeral and take the clothes and jewelry for her to wear and any items, such as pictures and mementos, that we would like to display at the services.

Just 30 minutes prior to our leaving for the funeral home, the house phone rang.

Me: Hello! Hendersons...

Female voice:  Is this Greta?

Me:  No.  This is Beth.

Voice:  Oh.  Well, this is Kay Latham.

Me:  Oh, hello.

Voice:  I heard through mutual friends that your mother had passed away, yet we had not been informed.  I checked the funeral home website and there was no information posted and there was no obituary in the Alliance Review.  I was wondering if we were going to be kept in the dark about her services.

Me:  Well, my mother just passed away yesterday morning.  I was in Indiana at the time and I just arrived here a few hours ago.  I did send the obituary to the funeral home last night from my home, and in fact, I need to leave soon for an appointment with the funeral director to finalize the arrangements.  I am sure that everything will be posted on the website soon after our meeting.

Voice:  Well, I just wanted to be sure that we were informed since we didn't receive a call and it seemed like we were being kept in the dark.

Me:  (wondering who this woman is since her name is familiar but I wouldn't know her if she walked up to the door)  No one is being 'kept in the dark.' The tentative arrangements are for Tuesday morning with the visitation starting at 10 followed by the funeral at 11. I am sure the information and the obituary will be published in the paper on Monday.

Voice: Another thing - I sent a Christmas card to your mother.  It was returned to us and written on the envelope was 'Addressee not known' and 'Incorrect address' and "Can not be forwarded.'  I want to know why that was returned with that written on it.

Me:  I have no idea.  Mom had valve replacement surgery on December 15 and was not able to return home since then due to a stroke, pneumonia, and other complications.  Her mail was forwarded to my sister's address.

Voice:  I want to know why this was written on the envelop and why it was returned.

Me:  I really have no idea. I do know that many Christmas cards were received by my sister and we took them to Mom at the hospital or at the rehab center to share with her so she did know that people had sent cards to her.  But I don't know why yours was returned.  I was not here and the post office handled the forwarding.

Voice:  I have the card.  I kept it for evidence and I want to know why it was returned.

Me:  I really don't know why.  We asked that all of her mail be forwarded to my sister's address.

Voice:  All right.  Can I have your address please?

Me:  Sure.  4822 W. 550 S  Winamac, IN 46996

Voice:  thank you.  I do want to get to the bottom of this and I do have the card as evidence with the writing on the envelope.

Me:  I really do need to go now since we are meeting my sister and her husband at the funeral home soon.

Voice:  I hope the funeral information is in the paper and on the website.

Me:  It will be.  Thank you for calling.  Bye.

Later I told Greta about the call and she wondered who this Kay Latham was.  I know I had heard the name before but I didn't know the connection to Mom and Dad or where they lived.  I assumed from her conversation that mutual friends were one of the four (Casey, Marleen, Maxine, Jim) since they are the only friends that we had contacted.  Everyone else was family, the hairdresser, the companion from Comfort Keepers, or neighbors.

After the services when we were discussing the people who attended, none of us remembered seeing Tom and Kay Latham.

Fast forward to Wednesday, May 31.  Gary finally was able to pick up our held mail.  I sorted through the bag, separating it into bills. junk mail, newspapers, and sympathy cards.  Finally I started slitting the envelopes and reading through each card.

The return address on one was Tom and Kay Latham from Homeworth, Ohio.  Interesting.

I opened the envelope and inside was not a sympathy card.  Inside was the evidence.  The Christmas card!  she had written a note on it that this was the card she had been referring to in the phone call.  Also a donation to Alliance Hospice had been made in memory of Dad and Mom, who were such nice people.  Then she signed it, Hugs, Kay.  There was a PS - No need to send a thank you.

I had to laugh.  I couldn't believe that instead of a sympathy card, she sent the Christmas card that she was fussing about.  As I looked at it, there were no handwritten notes on it.  Instead there was a yellow printed strip from the post office that said the addressee was unknown, it could not be delivered as addressed, and it couldn't be forwarded. Not handwritten at all. An automated strip from the PO.  The address looked correct.  But I have no idea why it was not forwarded---nor do I care.  Moot point now.

I called Greta.  I called Megan. I called Hilary.  We all had a good laugh and a few "Unbelievable!"  and "Are you kidding me???" and "What a witch!" (and another, as in replacing the 'w' with a 'b').  Later in the stack I opened a sympathy card from the same people with a note that said they knew Mom and Dad from Antique Gas and Steam Engine shows.  Ok.  That explains the connection.

I sent a thank you note.  I did not mention the Christmas card.  Why stir the pot?  As I said, moot point now.

Then today I took the envelope off the stack to put with the things for the return trip to Ohio so I can show it to Greta.  I was thinking about the entire scenario again.  One thing finally occurred to me - that woman was incredibly rude.

My mother had just died after a long battle with a bad heart valve, with pneumonia, with congestive heart failure.  She had survived a stroke and several heart attacks.  She had been hospitalized several times over the course of 6 months and was residing in a retirement center where she could be cared for properly.  And this woman called her house, talked to her daughter (me), and the first thing she wanted to know was why she had been kept in the dark?  She never said one word of sympathy.  She never offered condolences.  She didn't inquire as to Mom's last days.  She never said how much she would miss Mom or share any memories.  She jumped right in with an accusation of being 'kept in the dark' and emphasized her need to know the service arrangements.  Then she had the audacity to demand an explanation for a returned Christmas card, that she was keeping as evidence, as if we were the ones who were censoring Mom's mail and preventing the delivery of Christmas cards from her friends.  Who does that?

Then she didn't even come to the services.  They did not send flowers or any other token of remembrance.  But they did make a donation to hospice, which we appreciated, but there was a message that no note of thanks would be needed, as if that were a reflection on our manners because we wouldn't know to write notes of appreciation.

I am a little curious about these people.  I don't remember sending them a note asking for cards for Mom's 90th birthday or for cards for Mom and Dad's 60th anniversary.  Mom didn't say after her 90th birthday picnic in July "Oh I wish you had invited Tom and Kay Latham."  They must not have been such close friends that they should have been included.

But as I said.   Moot point.  It really doesn't matter.  But it was just rude.